Fucking Badass Guide to Eating Cajun

I've never been to India or Vietnam, which I previously covered in Fucking Badass Guides. While you don't need to have visited a place to get a real sense of the food (thank you internationalism), it certainly doesn't hurt. That being said, I have actually been to Cajun country (south Louisiana, also known as Acadia, but more on that later) and eaten the foods therein, and if I were forced at gunpoint to choose a favorite cultural food-type, I might say Cajun. It really is just that fucking good. It doesn't hurt that the people are extremely nice, despite being some of the worst fucking drivers I've ever encountered in my life. Seriously, whoever laid out New Orleans should be dug up and shot. Four-way intersections without a stop sign? Let's drop that shit downtown! Sheer fucking brilliance.
Back on topic, you'll find two main types of food in this area of Louisiana: Cajun and Creole. Creole is more common in southeast Louisiana and New Orleans. Cajun is more common in southwest Louisiana, though there is a LOT of overlapping. While the foods are similar, the history and background is extremely different. For the purpose of this entry, everything is Cajun unless otherwise noted.

Shit You Should Know About Cajun culture

1. Cajuns trace their roots back to, of all places, Canada. The Acadians were French colonists who lived in eastern Canada. One day, the greatest dickbags in history (also know as the British) decided they wanted Acadia, so they took it in the Siege of Port Royal in 1710 (part of the French and Indian wars). Once the war was over with the signing of the Treaty of Paris, the Brits kept Acadia (eventually changing the name to Nova Scotia). The Acadians, wanting to stay French, moved as far south as their little frog legs would take them, showing up in the French territory of Louisiana around 1768. This was a great plan... except that the French were in the process of giving Louisiana to Spain. This left the Acadians in a very similiar situation to that time your family moved while you were at camp and forgot to tell you. Luckily for the Acadians, the new Spanish government was actually pretty cool, so they stuck around southern Louisiana, colloquially naming it Acadia.

Motherfucking Booze Time: Sake

This actually exists.

Japan used to be an exotic land of mystery, full of mythical creatures and people who routinely accomplished incredible feats of skill. Now, Japan is pretty much the weirdest fucking place on earth. It's a country that produces millions of hours of porno a year, much of it consisting of artistic renditions of young girls getting raped by alien tentacle creatures, yet they can't tolerate the sight of normal human genitalia. If you'd like another example or two, go Wikipedia the word tamakeri or watch a few Japanese commercials.
That being said, before Japan collectively stopped taking their medication, they created some really awesome stuff... swords, aikido, pottery, and sake (pronounced SAH-kay, not SOCK-ee) to name a few. I'd also like to note that the preceding paragraph is going to lead to some very disappointing Google searches.

The History of Sake or How to Make Booze out of ANYTHING!

Trying to date sake is like trying to date water. It's been around for as long as anyone can remember. The earliest written record of the drink was penned sometime in the 3rd century, which predates the fucking compass. The Japanese had been drinking sake for more than a thousand years by the time word that such a thing even existed reached the western hemisphere in the 18th century.
Sake production was solely the job of the government until the 10th century, when (who else but) monks started brewing it. They held the job for around 500 years, until average schmucks were finally allowed to open breweries in the late 1800s. Sake remained extremely popular in Japan until World War II, at one point making up a full 30% of national tax revenue. Rice rationing during the war really put a damper on sake production, which would never return to its former glory thanks to all the new, foreign booze pouring in.

Other Bloggers Doing Me

Recently, the owners of two really great blogs have prepared a couple of my recipes and posted about them. They were also highly complimentary of me, which should be met with immediate suspicion and disdain.

Chipster Diaries: A Gift from our Horned Friends: Goat Cheese Meatballs in a Badass Recipe Box

Dreaming of Mercy: The Great Burrito Adventure of 2011

Both blogs are excellent, so check them out. Also, while I have you here, I'm on Google+. So feel free to check that out too. 

Goat Cheese Meatballs (with Spaghetti)

Ingredients
Meatballs
Ground beef
Sour cream
Eggs
Bread crumbs
Goat cheese (crumbled)
Onion flakes
Garlic powder
Greek seasoning
Basil
Dried chopped onions
Salt
Spaghetti and Sauce
Everything from "Spaghetti with Meat Sauce" recipe, minus the ground beef.

I don't know if it's long tradition or just plain asshoishness that makes recipes for classic Italian foods so harshly debated and highly prized. Virtually everyone with an Italian last name has their great-grandmother's sauce recipe which, they claim, is better than a hummer from an Italian supermodel (pictured). In this respect, no food is more argued about than the simple, hard-working meatball. We're talking about a world of Italians ready to take a bat to anyone who would dare question their nonna's culinary expertise.
Yeah, well fuck that. My meatballs are firm yet melt in your mouth. Plus, they're all beef (no need for sausage or veal) which means you avoid having to make two pounds of balls every time you have the Italiano craving... and you will have this craving. Oh yes. My meatballs aren't even Italian; they're Greek, and you know what they say about Greeks: we're great cooks, great in the sack, and shitty with money. To add the pièce de résistance... goat cheese. Because goat cheese makes everything better. Suck it, Italy. Or, should I say, succhiare Italia.


A Word About Goat Cheese

Goat cheese has a taste similar to feta, though it's not as salty, since feta is brined. Other than being generally delicious, it has a few properties that make it great in meatballs. First, it doesn't really melt: it softens considerably but remains viscous enough that it won't get runny. This means your balls won't fall apart on you. It also really mellows out the acidity of the tomato sauce. Plus, it's non-dairy, so all you lactose intolerant folks can go hog wild.

Spicy Black Bean and Adobo Beef "Deadeye" Burritos

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (El Pato is good and common)
Ground beef
Canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
Flour tortillas
Salsa con queso
Chili powder
Cumin
Garlic powder
Salt
Whatever the fuck else you want (tomatoes and sour cream, for instance)

Back in December, I posted what was essentially a recipe for a black bean burrito filling that makes the best bean and cheese burritos you'll ever shove into your face, all for under four dollars. I said at the time that you can add other stuff later. Well, welcome to later. To make Mexican Standoff Burritos into Deadeye burritos, all we need to add is some ground beef and a sexy mistress called adobo. But first...

What the fuck is a chipotle pepper, exactly?
Chipotles are extremely fucking popular right now, but you might be surprised to learn that there's really no such thing as a chipotle pepper, at least not in the same sense as a habanero, poblao, or jalapeño that you can pick off of a vine. Chipotle peppers are actually jalapeño peppers that have been over ripened, dried, and smoked; a method perfected in Northern Mexico. This process jacks up the heat and gives it that signature smoky flavor. Oh, and it's pronounced [chi-PO-tlay], not whatever the fuck you idiots have been calling it.

Meat and Potato Kebabs

Ingredients
Boneless chicken
Steak
Small potatoes (red, white, fingerling, blue, whatever)
Garlic powder
Salt
Basil
Butter
Skewers (bamboo or metal)

Meat and potatoes go together like strip clubs and glitter, beer and firearms, and choking and the Washington Capitals. Combine these two foods with the greatest method of cooking known to man and you have something pretty special.
There's something to be said about food on a stick. That something is "Hell yes, give me some food on a stick." The greatest thing about kebabs is that you're cooking a whole meal at once.  The hardest thing about kebabs is that you have to cook a whole meal at once. With your traditional kebab fare (meat and veg), this isn't that big a deal; just make sure to slice your meat small enough and everything will turn out nicely. But when you get potatoes involved, it becomes a whole other ball game. But it can be done, and pretty simply assuming you're not a dumbass. Also, we're going to lose the vegetables all together because fuck vegetables.

Ancient Persian preparing to grill out

A Word About Kebab Versus Kebob
The word kebab comes from the Persian word kebbaba which means "to burn". It appears in the Talmud when describing offerings made at the local temple (usually burnt meat). Today, it's combined with the word shish (from the Arabic word for grilled meat) to describe meat grilled on a skewer. I'm not entirely sure what a kebob is, but feel free to keep calling it that if you find kebab a tad pretentious.


IMPORTANT NOTE: This recipe requires use of a grill. If you don't have a grill or rudimentary knowledge of how to use a grill, disregard this recipe. Also, kill yourself.

Motherfucking Booze Time: Brandy

 There's a fuck load of science involved in allowing you to get shithoused at the bar on Friday night. Despite this, people have been creating alcoholic drinks since damn near the dawn of time. Fermentation was one of the first chemical reactions mankind figured out how to control. That puts making booze in the same class as making fire. This is some fucking fundamental stuff.
The difference between the method for making wine and the method for making whisky is essentially the same as the difference between baking and frying. There is, however, a sort of hybrid between the two that you've probably heard of.

What the Fuck is Brandy?
To understand what brandy is you need to understand the difference between fermentation and distillation. Fermentation is simple: yeast interacts with sugar to produce ethanol, which gets you drunk. Many popular alcohols are made in this way, including beer (fermented starches ranging from barley to rice), wine (fermented grapes), and mead (fermented honey). Distillation is the process by which you concentrate alcohol and other good bits from a fermented mixture. This is how you get rum (distilled sugar), whisky (distilled starches), and tequila (distilled blue agave). Basically, fermentation makes it alcoholic while distilling makes it super alcoholic.
So, finally answering the fucking question: Brandy is distilled wine. Basically, it's like whisky made with grapes. It tastes very earthy and smokey, like a good scotch, but with an undeniable sweetness. It isn't for the amateur drinker, no matter what Young Jeezy would have you believe.

Top Shelf Ribs

Ingredients
Country style pork ribs
Barbecue sauce
Brown sugar
Worcestershire sauce
Apple cider vinegar
Bay leaves
Liquid smoke (optional)

Pictured: A man.

I am a man. I enjoy masculine things... beards, meat, tobacco, people getting hit in the face unexpectedly, and the late George C. Scott just to name a few. Occasionally I'll replace my middle name with a curse word... things like that. There are, however, traditionally masculine things that I don't care for: sexism, bathroom humor, golf, and ribs, for instance. Now, let me clarify that last item. I dislike ribs about 85% of the time, for one reason only: that ribby aftertaste. I don't know what it is or what causes it, but it sucks every fucking ounce of goodness out of ribs. It's there for hours afterward, just hanging around making your mouth feel like shit.
Growing up I never had this problem because I only ate the ribs my mom made... ribs that tasted like they're supposed to, with no fucking aftertaste. Ribs that define "fall off the bone" without even having a fucking bone to fall off of. We combine this method of cooking with a little sauce creation of my own to form a kind of meat nirvana which nothing but goodness may enter.