Fucking Badass Sangria

Ingredients
1 standard size bottle of Merlot
Sweet and sour mix
Sugar
1 Mango
Lemons
Limes
1 Orange
Cherries (in a jar)
Can of crushed pineapple
Sprite

Sangria. It means bloody in Spanish. It's also incredibly fucking tasty. Every year I have a "cocktail of summer" (last year it was the mojito) and, while sangria isn't really a cocktail, it's the selection for this year. It's my fucking tradition, so I do what I want.
Sangria is pretty simple, actually: red wine (or white wine if you're making sangria blanco), fresh fruit, something to add a bit of sweetness, and either brandy or soda. So long as you stick with this simple formula, you can really do whatever you want. Want to use kiwis, grapefruit, and tangerines? Go for it. Honey to sweeten? Shine on you crazy fucking diamond. It's so simple that it must have been invented by drunk people. Like, legitimately drunk people. Just sitting around the hacienda one day, completely shit housed, and someone says, "Dude, let's take all the wine... mix it with all the fruit... some other shit from the cabinet... then, like, fuckin' let it sit there for a while." Drunk brilliance is really the best kind of brilliance.

Why not Just Buy a Bottle of Sangria?
Because fuck you, that's why. Also, homemade sangria tastes ten times better than sangria from a bottle. Not to say I haven't bought a bottle or two in my time, but when I can make it from scratch, I do. Here's my recipe.

Godzilla Egg Rolls

Ingredients
Egg roll wrappers (standard size)
Cabbage coleslaw mix 
Raw spinach
Ground chicken
One Egg
General tso chicken spice mix
Ground ginger
Sriracha
Peanut oil
Hosin sauce (optional)

Godzilla rape face

It isn't accurate to call most Chinese food Chinese. Most of the shit you're familiar with is actually American. General Tso's chicken, sweet and sour pork, crab rangoon, fortune cookies... all have their roots in the US. Hell, even the little white Chinese food cartons are American. Most American's know absolutely dick about Chinese cuisine... and, frankly, I'm not here to change that. Maybe later.
Egg rolls are small, deep fried rolls traditionally stuffed with cabbage, pork, and other shit. They're usually eaten as an appetizer. My egg rolls are made with a specially prepared ground chicken, cabbage mix, and spinach. And they're four times the size of normal egg rolls. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. They're named after my favorite Chinese actor... Gojirra, or as you round eyes call him, Godzilla.
Note: If you're looking to make normal sized (commonly called "pussy") egg rolls, you can do that too. But I'll think less of you.

So, what the fuck are CHINESE egg rolls?
If you're in China and you order an egg roll, you'll probably get a sweet pastry also called a "love letter". They're little, decorated flute-shaped rolls that are dipped into various dessert/sex condiments like chocolate sauce, strawberries, e.t.c.). The closest to an egg roll the Chinese get are various spring rolls, which is a nice, broad term for rolled appetizers.

Fucking Badass Guide to Useless Kitchen Gadgets (part 1)

In a world with a surplus of idiots, virtually any damn thing you offer for sale, someone is going to buy it. This cornerstone of capitalism is seen no where better than the kitchen gadget industry. There are so many ridiculously moronic kitchen gadgets for sale that it's almost like a performance art piece. No task is too insignificant or simple for some fuckstick to invent a doo-dad to help you with it. Here are four of the most mind numbing.
I'm providing a link to their individual Amazon pages solely for morbid curiosity and to prove that I didn't make this shit up. Obviously, I don't endorse these fucking things or want you to buy them. Also, if you already own any of this shit, please kill yourself.

Pineapple 7Fuck-You-Up Cocktail

Ingredients
Orange Juice
Fresh pineapple
7Up
Ice
Gin
Highball glass

As I mentioned in the recipe for Caribbean-style pulled pork, I invented a cocktail while waiting for the pork to cook, using only ingredients in that recipe with the addition of some gin. My good friend Chelsie, the author of Three Ring Mom, coined the name.
This is sort of a take on an old gin cocktail called an orange blossom, with a nice little pineappley, drunk guy surprise at the end.

Caribbean-Style Pulled Pork

Ingredients
Boneless pork roast (2-2.5 pounds, which is pretty standard)
Fresh, whole pineapple
Sriracha sauce
7Up
Allspice
Red pepper
Orange juice
Barbecue sauce (choose a less sweet variety)
Bread of some kind

"Here is your pig, el Presidente."

I'd like to talk a little bit about cruises. Cruises fucking suck. I'm not going to spend three grand to ride around on some massive floating hotel with a bunch of random assholes only to be dumped into various island paradises and told when I need to be back at the boat like some fucking teenage Mormon girl being sent to the prom with her brother. Fuck that. If I go on vacation, I'm the goddamn boss. I go where I want, when I want. I'm gonna eat food off the street, not in some Americanized clone hotel probably built over some sacred native graveyard. If there's a revolution, I don't want to be stuck inside a shining beacon of greed and capitalism... I wanna be in the streets looting, rioting, and killing foreign police officers like Liam Neeson in Taken.
Once I've lead this glorious revolution and have been installed el Presidente for life, I'll make this the official dish of my new country, which will be called Motherfuckistan. This is an original recipe that, like my hundreds of illegitimate children, is a nice blend of Caribbean and American: Southern pulled pork, pineapple, and a mock jerk spice using traditional island spices (allspice) and peppers (sriracha). Also, 7Up. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
The finished pork has a fucking incredible sweetness with a hint of heat that, honestly, you don't really even NEED barbecue sauce on. Feel free to toss it on some flat bread, add some sautéed peppers, cheese, and a bit more sriracha and you're good to go. If you do go with barbecue sauce, find one that's not overly sweet. But first, a bit more from the islands:

What the Fuck is Jerk Spice?

Jerking is a method of cooking most closely associated with the island of Jamaica. You see it most commonly done on grills made out of oil drums, cooking chicken or pork with a blend of traditional and extremely hot spices. The two key components of jerk spice are allspice (which Jamaicans call pimento) and scotch bonnet peppers. Allspice was once thought to only grow on the island, and was named by the English who thought it smelled like a combination of many spices, proving there truly is nothing that the English can't fuck up. Today, in America at least, we use a lot of allspice at Christmas, which might be making you think twice about this recipe. Let me allay your fears. Also, don't you EVER question me again. EVER.

Chicken Verde and Black Bean "Hangman's" Burritos

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (look for it, asshole)
Chicken thighs (boneless, skinless)
Flour tortillas
Chili powder
Red pepper
Cumin
Dried onion flakes
Salt
Tomatoes, sour cream, yadda yadda, you know the drill






















As teachers do, I sometimes like to take three months or so off to reflect, relax, and get fucking blasted on whiskey and cheap prostitutes. If you didn't appreciate my absence, I sincerely apologize go fuck yourself.

Back in the depths of summer, I posted a variation burrito based on a simple and insanely tasty black bean mixture that I'd posted about that previous December. This is a lot like that post. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "Wow, this guy sucks. He knows, like, one recipe that he keeps repeating over and over again." You have a fair argument. I'd like to point out, however, that you're a moron and I hope you get diabetes. Like Paula Deen.
This go around, we'll be whipping up some chicken infused with salsa verde to compliment our black bean mixture. But, before we get started...

What the fuck is Salsa Verde?
Salsa verde is just like traditional salsa, except it's made with tomatillos instead of tomatoes. Tomatillos are a fruit related to both nightshade (which will kill you) and tobacco (which the government says will kill you, but you should probably smoke for 40 or 50 years just to be sure). It develops a rough, paper like husk on the vine... the freshest tomatillos will have a nice, even green husk. Compared to tomatoes, they have a zesty, tangy flavor not unlike licking the top of a battery.

R.I.P. Little Wine Guy (2003-2011)

Requiescat in pace, faithful friend. You are gone but never forgotten.

Fucking Badass Guide to Boiling Water

To answer your immediate question... yes, I'm completely serious. It is, indeed, very simple to boil water. Put water in pot, put pot on stove, turn on burner, and wait. That's about it. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do even this simplest of kitchen tasks... and, knowing you, you're probably doing it wrong.
I'm not going to bore you with the science fair explanation of how water boils. I'm not your third grade science teacher. If you haven't figured out basic fucking physical science by now, you're beyond hope and should just go lay in traffic. This is simply a look at some of the common misconceptions about boiling water, as well as the rules you SHOULD be following when you put a pot on to boil.

Salt
Salt should only be added to boiling water if you're looking to season whatever it is you plan on cooking in the water. Practically speaking, salt doesn't cause water to boil faster: if you were working with pure water, adding salt would lower the boiling point by one degree for every ounce you add, but since we're dealing with tap water, it makes no difference. That being said, if you're boiling something that you don't want to infuse with salt, don't add the salt.