Cherry & Apple Phyllo Strudel

Ingredients
Granny smith apples
Fresh cherries
Brown sugar
Cinnamon
Phyllo dough
Butter
Graham crackers
Some sort of whipped or clotted cream would be nice but isn't required


Someone once asked me to do a dessert recipe. Unfortunately, I fucking hate baking and most desserts require a great deal of it. Why do I hate baking? For me, it's just too goddamn passive. You mix some shit, pour it into a pan, toss it in an oven and hope for the best. I like to cook actively... stirring and draining and flipping shit keeps me coming back for more. I like watching stuff change into other stuff. However, I've never been one to disappoint a pretty girl (and I mean that exactly the way you think I mean that) so here's a dessert with all the technical movement of a complicated sauce and all the goodness of those frilly little cupcakes all the morons are so fucking enamored with. Seriously, what the hell is up with cupcakes? They're just smaller than average cakes for Christ's sake. They actually have shops that make and sell NOTHING but cupcakes. What the fuck kind of ludicrousness is that? I couldn't open a sandwich shop and only sell club sandwiches, could I? You're goddamn right I couldn't. Anyway, here comes some strudel, but first:

A Word About Phyllo

It's just called phyllo, not phyllo dough. Phyllo is a paper thin Baltic/central Asian pastry that can be used in pretty much anything. It's the Swiss army knife of pastry... you can use it in desserts, main courses, snacks, and to repair your 1970 Ford Ranchero sedan. People tend to make a big deal about phyllo being "difficult to work with". In fact, when I told a friend I was making something with phyllo, they were inordinately impressed with my cooking skills. Don't buy into the hype: phyllo isn't difficult to work with assuming you're not a goddamn moron. The only thing you have to remember is to be careful with it and, if you start with frozen phyllo, thaw it very slowly (over 24 hours in your ice box) or it'll fall apart on you like your 1970 Ford Ranchero sedan.

Cranberry Chutney

Ingredients
Fresh cranberries
Fresh apples (your choice)
Sugar
Ground ginger
Cinnamon
All-spice

Thanksgiving is over and you now have to look ahead to Christmas. According to Norman Rockwell, Christmas is a time to join with friends and family in joyous celebration of rebirth, redemption, and the end of another wonderful year together, proving that Norman Rockwell had no fucking clue what he was talking about. My theory is he was freebasing cocaine and painting what he saw in his fucked up, half lucid dream world. For me, and probably you, the holidays consist of far too much driving and far too many children that aren't yours packed into too small a space. This is a recipe for what I like to call motherfucking stabby time. However, holiday food celebrates my favorite fruit: the cranberry. Unfortunately, very few people in my family like cranberries. All the more reason for me to make a cranberry dish. This chutney is great as a side dish, condiment, or just on some delicious Triscuit crackers while awaiting that last relative to show up so you can start eating. In this way, you can keep one hand free for holding the gun that you'll use to greet said relative once they finally arrive, more than an hour late. I bet they'll fucking be on time for Easter.

What the fuck is chutney?
Chutney originated in India as a sort of spicy paste or sauce used to compliment the main dish. It consisted primarily of vegetables and spices, like coriander and onion. Of course, in traditional anglo fashion, the Limeys got ahold of it and dropped the spice and veggies for fruit and sugar, effectively creating a polar opposite dish  but retaining the name. So, yeah... fuck you, India.
This particular chutney tastes quite a bit like applesauce with a heavier texture and a bite of cranberry. As an added bonus, you make it in two steps and about 30 minutes. The recipe originated here, and I've made quite a few changes.