Fucking Badass Sangria

Ingredients
1 standard size bottle of Merlot
Sweet and sour mix
Sugar
1 Mango
Lemons
Limes
1 Orange
Cherries (in a jar)
Can of crushed pineapple
Sprite

Sangria. It means bloody in Spanish. It's also incredibly fucking tasty. Every year I have a "cocktail of summer" (last year it was the mojito) and, while sangria isn't really a cocktail, it's the selection for this year. It's my fucking tradition, so I do what I want.
Sangria is pretty simple, actually: red wine (or white wine if you're making sangria blanco), fresh fruit, something to add a bit of sweetness, and either brandy or soda. So long as you stick with this simple formula, you can really do whatever you want. Want to use kiwis, grapefruit, and tangerines? Go for it. Honey to sweeten? Shine on you crazy fucking diamond. It's so simple that it must have been invented by drunk people. Like, legitimately drunk people. Just sitting around the hacienda one day, completely shit housed, and someone says, "Dude, let's take all the wine... mix it with all the fruit... some other shit from the cabinet... then, like, fuckin' let it sit there for a while." Drunk brilliance is really the best kind of brilliance.

Why not Just Buy a Bottle of Sangria?
Because fuck you, that's why. Also, homemade sangria tastes ten times better than sangria from a bottle. Not to say I haven't bought a bottle or two in my time, but when I can make it from scratch, I do. Here's my recipe.










Preparation
1) Prep really starts out with selecting your wine. Schools of thought differ here... some people say buy the cheapest bottle you can, some say buy the best. I say buy whatever you already like to drink. If you like it alone, you'll fucking love it as sangria.
Open and pour your entire bottle of Merlot into a pitcher.



Now, prep your fresh fruit. Half the limes and lemon...


...and fruit murder them into your pitcher. Then, toss the spent rind in there, too. Like I said, drunk people invented this. Trash goes in.


Now, quarter your orange and do the same.


Cut your mango into rather thin slices and drop them in as well. Don't bother trying to squeeze them, idiot. It's a fucking mango.


We're done here.


2) Now for the other ingredients: Toss in about 2 tablespoons of sugar. I use confectioners sugar, though granulated works fine (just be sure to sir well).


Then hit it with a shot of sweet and sour mix. Maybe a quarter cup.


Finally, empty in your entire can of pineapple, several cherries, and a shot of juice from the cherry jar.


Give that bitch a good stir...


and toss it in the fridge next to your beer and let it sit overnight. That gives you time to sober up.


3) Now that everything is nice and acquainted, you're almost ready to serve.


First, remove the large pieces of fruit. You'll notice that they now resemble alien entrails. This is good. Now is when you make a choice... do you strain it or serve it rawdog? I like to remove everything but the mango and add in some fresh lemon wedges.


Once you've strained (or not), throw in 2.5 cups of Sprite (or a cup of brandy, if you want it more alcoholic).


Stir, serve, and enjoy.