Fucking Badass Guide to Useless Kitchen Gadgets (part 1)

In a world with a surplus of idiots, virtually any damn thing you offer for sale, someone is going to buy it. This cornerstone of capitalism is seen no where better than the kitchen gadget industry. There are so many ridiculously moronic kitchen gadgets for sale that it's almost like a performance art piece. No task is too insignificant or simple for some fuckstick to invent a doo-dad to help you with it. Here are four of the most mind numbing.
I'm providing a link to their individual Amazon pages solely for morbid curiosity and to prove that I didn't make this shit up. Obviously, I don't endorse these fucking things or want you to buy them. Also, if you already own any of this shit, please kill yourself.

The Fucking Badass Days of Xmas

On the first day on Xmas, my buddies gave to me...

... a stripper named Barbie.

Fucking Badass Guide to Carving a Turkey

After much research, I've discovered the only holiday task that requires using a knife to dismember a dead animal is carving a turkey. Unless you live in Alaska, anyway. For some reason, not everyone wants to go all Charles Manson on the big bird. These people are pussies and should be ridiculed at every possible opportunity.
There are many reasons to take up the turkey carving job yourself this holiday season. First and foremost is so none of your mouth breathing, half-retarded relatives do it. It's like the old saying goes, "If you want something done right, fucking do it your goddamn self." This is doubly true if you actually prepared the fucking bird... if you can sit back and watch Uncle Jim-Bob hack and saw at your dinner and not want to stab him in the face with the serving fork, please go lay in the middle of the fucking interstate. Secondly, you get to handle a knife, a task that should always be at the top of your "Shit to do" list, especially around family and young children. Thirdly, carving a turkey is really fucking simple if you know what you're doing.
Before we get to the actual carving, though, I want to address a big topic:

White v.s. Dark
You've heard it your entire life... white meat is superior. This usually comes from people who have no fucking clue what the goddamn difference is... they just know that white meat is better. So, just what IS the goddamn difference?
Dark meat is dark because it contains more of a special protein used to carry oxygen to muscle cells. More active muscles require more oxygen, which means dark meat comes from the parts of the animal that are used more... in the case of flightless birds like chickens and turkeys, the legs and thighs. As you've probably gathered by now, white meat comes from the parts of the animal not as commonly used (wings and breasts).
Many people say white meat is healthier for you than dark meat. This is only half-true. White meat contains less fat, but dark meat contains an assload of vitamins and minerals, including iron, zinc, niacin, B6, and B12. If you're really concerned about cutting back on fat... lose the skin. Beyond that, eat what tastes better... which, for many people, is dark meat.
Now, carving: step one.