Fucking Badass Guide to Eating Cajun

I've never been to India or Vietnam, which I previously covered in Fucking Badass Guides. While you don't need to have visited a place to get a real sense of the food (thank you internationalism), it certainly doesn't hurt. That being said, I have actually been to Cajun country (south Louisiana, also known as Acadia, but more on that later) and eaten the foods therein, and if I were forced at gunpoint to choose a favorite cultural food-type, I might say Cajun. It really is just that fucking good. It doesn't hurt that the people are extremely nice, despite being some of the worst fucking drivers I've ever encountered in my life. Seriously, whoever laid out New Orleans should be dug up and shot. Four-way intersections without a stop sign? Let's drop that shit downtown! Sheer fucking brilliance.
Back on topic, you'll find two main types of food in this area of Louisiana: Cajun and Creole. Creole is more common in southeast Louisiana and New Orleans. Cajun is more common in southwest Louisiana, though there is a LOT of overlapping. While the foods are similar, the history and background is extremely different. For the purpose of this entry, everything is Cajun unless otherwise noted.

Shit You Should Know About Cajun culture

1. Cajuns trace their roots back to, of all places, Canada. The Acadians were French colonists who lived in eastern Canada. One day, the greatest dickbags in history (also know as the British) decided they wanted Acadia, so they took it in the Siege of Port Royal in 1710 (part of the French and Indian wars). Once the war was over with the signing of the Treaty of Paris, the Brits kept Acadia (eventually changing the name to Nova Scotia). The Acadians, wanting to stay French, moved as far south as their little frog legs would take them, showing up in the French territory of Louisiana around 1768. This was a great plan... except that the French were in the process of giving Louisiana to Spain. This left the Acadians in a very similiar situation to that time your family moved while you were at camp and forgot to tell you. Luckily for the Acadians, the new Spanish government was actually pretty cool, so they stuck around southern Louisiana, colloquially naming it Acadia.

Motherfucking Booze Time: Sake

This actually exists.

Japan used to be an exotic land of mystery, full of mythical creatures and people who routinely accomplished incredible feats of skill. Now, Japan is pretty much the weirdest fucking place on earth. It's a country that produces millions of hours of porno a year, much of it consisting of artistic renditions of young girls getting raped by alien tentacle creatures, yet they can't tolerate the sight of normal human genitalia. If you'd like another example or two, go Wikipedia the word tamakeri or watch a few Japanese commercials.
That being said, before Japan collectively stopped taking their medication, they created some really awesome stuff... swords, aikido, pottery, and sake (pronounced SAH-kay, not SOCK-ee) to name a few. I'd also like to note that the preceding paragraph is going to lead to some very disappointing Google searches.

The History of Sake or How to Make Booze out of ANYTHING!

Trying to date sake is like trying to date water. It's been around for as long as anyone can remember. The earliest written record of the drink was penned sometime in the 3rd century, which predates the fucking compass. The Japanese had been drinking sake for more than a thousand years by the time word that such a thing even existed reached the western hemisphere in the 18th century.
Sake production was solely the job of the government until the 10th century, when (who else but) monks started brewing it. They held the job for around 500 years, until average schmucks were finally allowed to open breweries in the late 1800s. Sake remained extremely popular in Japan until World War II, at one point making up a full 30% of national tax revenue. Rice rationing during the war really put a damper on sake production, which would never return to its former glory thanks to all the new, foreign booze pouring in.

Fucking Badass Guide to Eating Vietnam

As Americans (or whatever you are), the amount of food we eat without any prior knowledge is staggering. A hundred years ago, you rarely ate anything without knowing exactly what it was, why is was made the way it was, and in many occasions, what its name was before someone chopped its fucking head off. Today you can walk into any restaurant in America and point at something on a menu that you'll be eating ten minutes later. We're pretty spoiled in that respect, especially when you consider the vast array of international cuisine available to us. I live in Arkansas and can still manage to routinely eat food from India, the Middle East, all across Asia, and more. It's pretty fucking mind-blowing when you think about it.

With that in mind, I hereby issue this challenge: try not to be a fucking moron. Never again should you go into a restaurant, order something, and hope that you'll like it without much clue what or why it is what it is and what it tastes like. A little knowledge is a powerful thing and can make the difference between a good meal and a great one. Plus, the simple ability to pronounce a tenth of what's on the menu is sure to make your waiter or waitress at least slightly impressed. Maybe you'll even get a free fortune cookie. Here's everything you should know about food from America's original massively catastrophic military fuckup: Vietnam.

Shit You Should Know About Vietnam
1. We fucked it up hardcore in the 60s. All ready one of the poorest countries outside of Africa, we tried to spruce things up by dropping bombs and coating a generation of people with a chemical that was supposed to eat through trees but be safe for humans. If that sounds like a crock of shit, it's because it absolutely IS a crock of shit.


2. You don't speak the language. Unless you KNOW how something is pronounced, don't even fucking try. Whatever comes out of your mouth will be absolutely wrong and undoubtedly make the wait staff hate you. Trust me on this... they number shit on the menu for a reason.