Sunday, December 19, 2010


Ground beef
Tomato soup (2 cans)
Tomato sauce (smallish can)
Kidney beans
Small white or navy beans
Black beans
Chili powder
Onion flakes (optional)
Ground red pepper (optional)
Hot sauce (optional)

At the dawn of time, God came down from heaven to survey his creation. After taking a long, hard look, he said "Looks pretty good. Goddamn, I'm hungry... I sure could go for some chili." As far as God and I are concerned, there are two commandments that all chili must abide by:

I:  Thou shalt include a metric shit-ton of protein
II: Thou shalt cook for a fucking long time

Chili isn't a fancy food. This is why I don't give my chili a fancy name. Most of the time, when people want you to try their grandmother's "One-of-a-Kind Three Alarm Firehouse Monster Chili" what they serve you isn't even chili. It's some sort of fucked up stew. The two chili commandments determine what can be included.

Why is other "Chili" Inferior?
It's simple, really. The people that make them are idiots. I've seen chili recipes that include corn, green beans, carrots, spaghetti noodles... the list goes on. These are inferior ingredients that don't jive with the cooking process, which goes by the technical phrase "slow as fuck". Slow cooking as a technique does NOT lend itself to the preparation of vegetables (they lose their taste, color, and nutritional content) or pasta (they get soggy as a bed sheet on a porn set). On the other hand, slow cooking does wonders with meat, especially low quality "fatty" meat (like hamburger). It's also the best way to cook beans, as it keeps the skin in tact while enriching the inherent flavor. Spice is very important, as it will permeate the proteins over the long cooking process. To hold this all together, we want a nice, thick base... and it gets no thicker than tomato sauce, which, as an added bonus, will pick up much of the spice.

Now that that shit is taken care of, let's make some motherfucking chili.

Monday, December 13, 2010

5 Common Foods That Fuck You (And Not In A Nice Way)

You are one fat son of a bitch. Face it. Even if you don't admit it, it's true, so stop being a pussy. If you're anything like me, you should be arrested. Also, you have a much easier time not doing things you normally do than motivating yourself to do things you'd rather not do. Diets are great, but you're too busy and poor to eat well all the time. Sometimes you just have to have a Hungry Man dinner and pay for it later, both on the head and in the mirror. It's part of life... cheap food is bad for you.
However, there are certain things you can just avoid that will help you out. These are things you eat often and shouldn't... common foods that make you fat. I'm not talking about foods that are obviously not good for you, like your midnight lard and mayo binges. Even stupid people know those things aren't great for you, so you have to cut back on them. Use some goddamn common sense for fuck's sake. This is a list of 5 things you can and should stop (or seriously cut back on) eating right now.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Spicy Black Bean "Mexican Standoff" Burritos

Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (check the hispanic food aisle next to the Jarritos)
Flour tortillas
Shredded cheese
Chili powder
Whatever the fuck else you want

This is an ultra-cheap, ultra-quick recipe (under $4 and 15 minutes makes enough to feed 3 people or 1.5 fat people) that will blow your fucking mind. I call these Mexican standoff burritos because, with three ingredients (beans, tomato sauce, and cheese), they're so good you'll want to shoot a motherfucker or two. It really is shocking how good these burritos are. They're so good, in fact, I've never added anything else to them, save a quick shot of hot sauce here and there. As an added bonus, they can be frozen (with a little plastic wrap and foil) and are almost as good after a few minutes in the microwave. Three kickass lunches for under $4? Can't fucking beat that now can you?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Fucking Badass Guide to Carving a Turkey

After much research, I've discovered the only holiday task that requires using a knife to dismember a dead animal is carving a turkey. Unless you live in Alaska, anyway. For some reason, not everyone wants to go all Charles Manson on the big bird. These people are pussies and should be ridiculed at every possible opportunity.
There are many reasons to take up the turkey carving job yourself this holiday season. First and foremost is so none of your mouth breathing, half-retarded relatives do it. It's like the old saying goes, "If you want something done right, fucking do it your goddamn self." This is doubly true if you actually prepared the fucking bird... if you can sit back and watch Uncle Jim-Bob hack and saw at your dinner and not want to stab him in the face with the serving fork, please go lay in the middle of the fucking interstate. Secondly, you get to handle a knife, a task that should always be at the top of your "Shit to do" list, especially around family and young children. Thirdly, carving a turkey is really fucking simple if you know what you're doing.
Before we get to the actual carving, though, I want to address a big topic:

White v.s. Dark
You've heard it your entire life... white meat is superior. This usually comes from people who have no fucking clue what the goddamn difference is... they just know that white meat is better. So, just what IS the goddamn difference?
Dark meat is dark because it contains more of a special protein used to carry oxygen to muscle cells. More active muscles require more oxygen, which means dark meat comes from the parts of the animal that are used more... in the case of flightless birds like chickens and turkeys, the legs and thighs. As you've probably gathered by now, white meat comes from the parts of the animal not as commonly used (wings and breasts).
Many people say white meat is healthier for you than dark meat. This is only half-true. White meat contains less fat, but dark meat contains an assload of vitamins and minerals, including iron, zinc, niacin, B6, and B12. If you're really concerned about cutting back on fat... lose the skin. Beyond that, eat what tastes better... which, for many people, is dark meat.
Now, carving: step one.