Fucking Badass Guide to Carving a Turkey

After much research, I've discovered the only holiday task that requires using a knife to dismember a dead animal is carving a turkey. Unless you live in Alaska, anyway. For some reason, not everyone wants to go all Charles Manson on the big bird. These people are pussies and should be ridiculed at every possible opportunity.
There are many reasons to take up the turkey carving job yourself this holiday season. First and foremost is so none of your mouth breathing, half-retarded relatives do it. It's like the old saying goes, "If you want something done right, fucking do it your goddamn self." This is doubly true if you actually prepared the fucking bird... if you can sit back and watch Uncle Jim-Bob hack and saw at your dinner and not want to stab him in the face with the serving fork, please go lay in the middle of the fucking interstate. Secondly, you get to handle a knife, a task that should always be at the top of your "Shit to do" list, especially around family and young children. Thirdly, carving a turkey is really fucking simple if you know what you're doing.
Before we get to the actual carving, though, I want to address a big topic:

White v.s. Dark
You've heard it your entire life... white meat is superior. This usually comes from people who have no fucking clue what the goddamn difference is... they just know that white meat is better. So, just what IS the goddamn difference?
Dark meat is dark because it contains more of a special protein used to carry oxygen to muscle cells. More active muscles require more oxygen, which means dark meat comes from the parts of the animal that are used more... in the case of flightless birds like chickens and turkeys, the legs and thighs. As you've probably gathered by now, white meat comes from the parts of the animal not as commonly used (wings and breasts).
Many people say white meat is healthier for you than dark meat. This is only half-true. White meat contains less fat, but dark meat contains an assload of vitamins and minerals, including iron, zinc, niacin, B6, and B12. If you're really concerned about cutting back on fat... lose the skin. Beyond that, eat what tastes better... which, for many people, is dark meat.
Now, carving: step one.

Fucking Badass Guide to Steak

Steak. The perfectly named food. It's a piece of animal flesh that you cook and eat. What better word than a short, guttural sound that doubles as something you fucking kill vampires with? So what's the big fucking deal with steaks? There are hundreds of different cuts of meat and 90% of people couldn't begin to tell you where even one of them comes from. Most people approach buying a steak in a supermarket or ordering a steak at a restaurant like they're buying parts for a fucking spaceship. It really doesn't need to be this complicated, and I'll prove it.

Steak is all about fat content. The more fat in your steak, the better it tastes. That's the bottom line... fat = taste. So why do so many people go for a "lean" steak if it tastes like a bland asshole? There's only one reason: fat makes your steak tougher. For those of you playing at home, that leaves you with two options:



You can have...

A delicious piece of a boat cover (high fat content)

OR

A tender piece of generic meat product #793G (low fat content)

Luckily, these two extremes aren't your only options. You can find a happy medium, and your cut selection has the biggest impact on that. Plus, you can cook a high fat steak to make it more tender and you can season a lean cut to make it taste better.


Now that we've got all that bullshit out of the way, let's move on to cut. Some restaurants claim to have over five hundred different cuts of steak. What does that mean? Fuck all, that's what it means. When it comes to steak, you really only really need to know four cuts. It's far easier to remember where these cuts come from if you tell the cow to fuck off and use something you're more familiar with. I like to use Lady Gaga. I mean, what the fuck else are you supposed to do with Lady Gaga?