Fucking Badass Guide to Steak

Steak. The perfectly named food. It's a piece of animal flesh that you cook and eat. What better word than a short, guttural sound that doubles as something you fucking kill vampires with? So what's the big fucking deal with steaks? There are hundreds of different cuts of meat and 90% of people couldn't begin to tell you where even one of them comes from. Most people approach buying a steak in a supermarket or ordering a steak at a restaurant like they're buying parts for a fucking spaceship. It really doesn't need to be this complicated, and I'll prove it.

Steak is all about fat content. The more fat in your steak, the better it tastes. That's the bottom line... fat = taste. So why do so many people go for a "lean" steak if it tastes like a bland asshole? There's only one reason: fat makes your steak tougher. For those of you playing at home, that leaves you with two options:



You can have...

A delicious piece of a boat cover (high fat content)

OR

A tender piece of generic meat product #793G (low fat content)

Luckily, these two extremes aren't your only options. You can find a happy medium, and your cut selection has the biggest impact on that. Plus, you can cook a high fat steak to make it more tender and you can season a lean cut to make it taste better.


Now that we've got all that bullshit out of the way, let's move on to cut. Some restaurants claim to have over five hundred different cuts of steak. What does that mean? Fuck all, that's what it means. When it comes to steak, you really only really need to know four cuts. It's far easier to remember where these cuts come from if you tell the cow to fuck off and use something you're more familiar with. I like to use Lady Gaga. I mean, what the fuck else are you supposed to do with Lady Gaga?