Godzilla Egg Rolls

Ingredients
Egg roll wrappers (standard size)
Cabbage coleslaw mix 
Raw spinach
Ground chicken
One Egg
General tso chicken spice mix
Ground ginger
Sriracha
Peanut oil
Hosin sauce (optional)

Godzilla rape face

It isn't accurate to call most Chinese food Chinese. Most of the shit you're familiar with is actually American. General Tso's chicken, sweet and sour pork, crab rangoon, fortune cookies... all have their roots in the US. Hell, even the little white Chinese food cartons are American. Most American's know absolutely dick about Chinese cuisine... and, frankly, I'm not here to change that. Maybe later.
Egg rolls are small, deep fried rolls traditionally stuffed with cabbage, pork, and other shit. They're usually eaten as an appetizer. My egg rolls are made with a specially prepared ground chicken, cabbage mix, and spinach. And they're four times the size of normal egg rolls. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. They're named after my favorite Chinese actor... Gojirra, or as you round eyes call him, Godzilla.
Note: If you're looking to make normal sized (commonly called "pussy") egg rolls, you can do that too. But I'll think less of you.

So, what the fuck are CHINESE egg rolls?
If you're in China and you order an egg roll, you'll probably get a sweet pastry also called a "love letter". They're little, decorated flute-shaped rolls that are dipped into various dessert/sex condiments like chocolate sauce, strawberries, e.t.c.). The closest to an egg roll the Chinese get are various spring rolls, which is a nice, broad term for rolled appetizers.

Chicken Verde and Black Bean "Hangman's" Burritos

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (look for it, asshole)
Chicken thighs (boneless, skinless)
Flour tortillas
Chili powder
Red pepper
Cumin
Dried onion flakes
Salt
Tomatoes, sour cream, yadda yadda, you know the drill






















As teachers do, I sometimes like to take three months or so off to reflect, relax, and get fucking blasted on whiskey and cheap prostitutes. If you didn't appreciate my absence, I sincerely apologize go fuck yourself.

Back in the depths of summer, I posted a variation burrito based on a simple and insanely tasty black bean mixture that I'd posted about that previous December. This is a lot like that post. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "Wow, this guy sucks. He knows, like, one recipe that he keeps repeating over and over again." You have a fair argument. I'd like to point out, however, that you're a moron and I hope you get diabetes. Like Paula Deen.
This go around, we'll be whipping up some chicken infused with salsa verde to compliment our black bean mixture. But, before we get started...

What the fuck is Salsa Verde?
Salsa verde is just like traditional salsa, except it's made with tomatillos instead of tomatoes. Tomatillos are a fruit related to both nightshade (which will kill you) and tobacco (which the government says will kill you, but you should probably smoke for 40 or 50 years just to be sure). It develops a rough, paper like husk on the vine... the freshest tomatillos will have a nice, even green husk. Compared to tomatoes, they have a zesty, tangy flavor not unlike licking the top of a battery.

Meat and Potato Kebabs

Ingredients
Boneless chicken
Steak
Small potatoes (red, white, fingerling, blue, whatever)
Garlic powder
Salt
Basil
Butter
Skewers (bamboo or metal)

Meat and potatoes go together like strip clubs and glitter, beer and firearms, and choking and the Washington Capitals. Combine these two foods with the greatest method of cooking known to man and you have something pretty special.
There's something to be said about food on a stick. That something is "Hell yes, give me some food on a stick." The greatest thing about kebabs is that you're cooking a whole meal at once.  The hardest thing about kebabs is that you have to cook a whole meal at once. With your traditional kebab fare (meat and veg), this isn't that big a deal; just make sure to slice your meat small enough and everything will turn out nicely. But when you get potatoes involved, it becomes a whole other ball game. But it can be done, and pretty simply assuming you're not a dumbass. Also, we're going to lose the vegetables all together because fuck vegetables.

Ancient Persian preparing to grill out

A Word About Kebab Versus Kebob
The word kebab comes from the Persian word kebbaba which means "to burn". It appears in the Talmud when describing offerings made at the local temple (usually burnt meat). Today, it's combined with the word shish (from the Arabic word for grilled meat) to describe meat grilled on a skewer. I'm not entirely sure what a kebob is, but feel free to keep calling it that if you find kebab a tad pretentious.


IMPORTANT NOTE: This recipe requires use of a grill. If you don't have a grill or rudimentary knowledge of how to use a grill, disregard this recipe. Also, kill yourself.

Fucking Badass Guide to Eating India

Ah, India. The land of those fucking ridiculous Bollywood movies. Seriously, why is no one saying this? Their movies are straight fucking insanity. I realize that there's a big cultural thing there, but I'm savvy enough to know when something was created in the depths of an ether binge.
Back on topic... the funny thing about Indian food is that there's really no such thing. India is such a huge, diverse place that calling anything just Indian is like calling a specific song music and expecting someone to know exactly what you're talking about. There are more than 30 defined regions that produce their own, often wildly different cuisine.

Now, this doesn't mean that every time you walk into an Indian restaurant you're going to see a wildly different menu. Far from it. Your typical Indian place actually specializes in food from the Punjab region of Northern India and Eastern Pakistan. This is where you get your tandoori bread, tikka masala, Biryani, and most of the rest of the foods you're familiar with. Punjabi cuisine is well-known for its wide range of dishes, with everything from spicy to mild and vegetarian to carnivore, including beef. That's right, the country famous for its spiritual love of cows does serve beef in many regions. To make things easier, I will continue to refer to all things Punjabi as Indian, unless otherwise noted.

Shit You Should Know about India

1. As part of their quest to be the biggest dickheads in history, the British got their first foothold in India around the time of the American Revolution and ruled until the Indian people finally kicked their limey asses out in 1950. Despite the relatively peaceful end to British rule (thanks a lot, Gandhi) the Indians did their fair share of Brit killing. They also produced some awesome propaganda posters.

2. Much like the food, there is no "Indian" language. There are more than a thousand languages spoken on the Indian subcontinent, 29 of which are spoken by more than a million people each. The most common, Standard Hindi, uses its own alphabet called Devanagari which looks like a cross between Elvish and Klingon. Luckily for us everything is approximated in English, so it's spelled like it sounds. Pronounce away!

Lemon Glazed Chicken

Ingredients
Chicken breast (strips, fillets, halves... whatever blows your skirt)
Lemons
Fresh parsley
Vegetable oil
Butter
Salt
Pepper

Thus sayeth Natalie Dee

After a slightly lengthy vacation/prison sentence, I'm back to the blog. I would apologize for my absence, but I don't care what the fuck you think, so... there's that.
When you go to the grocery store to gather lemons to make this (which you will do if you know what's good for you) make sure you get the best lemons in the pile. This requires a little fruit investigation. You want a lemon that feels heavy but not hard. When you squeeze it there should be some give... a hard lemon means a thicker rind, which means you get less juice. Obviously, you'll want to avoid any lemons that have brown splotches, but green splotches are ok. Lemons change from green to yellow based entirely on temperature, not age, so a bit of green is perfectly fine. You can expect about three tablespoons of juice from your lemon, but that doesn't mean you should substitute bottled for fresh squeezed. Bottled lemon juice, while fine for cocktails, doesn't have the same delicate flavor as fresh lemon juice, so buy the goddamn fruit.

Fucking Badass Guide to Eating Vietnam

As Americans (or whatever you are), the amount of food we eat without any prior knowledge is staggering. A hundred years ago, you rarely ate anything without knowing exactly what it was, why is was made the way it was, and in many occasions, what its name was before someone chopped its fucking head off. Today you can walk into any restaurant in America and point at something on a menu that you'll be eating ten minutes later. We're pretty spoiled in that respect, especially when you consider the vast array of international cuisine available to us. I live in Arkansas and can still manage to routinely eat food from India, the Middle East, all across Asia, and more. It's pretty fucking mind-blowing when you think about it.

With that in mind, I hereby issue this challenge: try not to be a fucking moron. Never again should you go into a restaurant, order something, and hope that you'll like it without much clue what or why it is what it is and what it tastes like. A little knowledge is a powerful thing and can make the difference between a good meal and a great one. Plus, the simple ability to pronounce a tenth of what's on the menu is sure to make your waiter or waitress at least slightly impressed. Maybe you'll even get a free fortune cookie. Here's everything you should know about food from America's original massively catastrophic military fuckup: Vietnam.

Shit You Should Know About Vietnam
1. We fucked it up hardcore in the 60s. All ready one of the poorest countries outside of Africa, we tried to spruce things up by dropping bombs and coating a generation of people with a chemical that was supposed to eat through trees but be safe for humans. If that sounds like a crock of shit, it's because it absolutely IS a crock of shit.


2. You don't speak the language. Unless you KNOW how something is pronounced, don't even fucking try. Whatever comes out of your mouth will be absolutely wrong and undoubtedly make the wait staff hate you. Trust me on this... they number shit on the menu for a reason.

Ladolemono Chicken Parmesan

Ingredients
Tomato sauce (2 small cans)
Tomato paste (1 can)
Pasta (penne or cut ziti will work)
Garlic
Basil
Chicken breast tenderloins
Feta cheese (crumbled)
Parmesan cheese (shredded)
Dijon mustard
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
Oregano
Lemon juice


This recipe was inspired by a post on the excellent food blog Potter's Kitchen for a quick, traditional Chicken Parmesan. I'd wager that if you asked the average American what their favorite Italian food is, chicken parm would be in the top 5. Its deliciousness lies in simplicity of concept: pasta, sauce, breaded chicken, cheese. It's so simple a concept, in fact, that it's just begging for some variation and substitution. But what variation? Well, I'm Greek and it's Italian... plus, around 100 BC, those motherfuckers stole our gods. It's time to pay the fiddler, bitch.

Now, we could just dredge some chicken in olive oil and call it Greek, but we have more cajones than that. My second favorite traditional Greek sauce (after tzatziki) is a simple lemon and olive oil sauce called ladolemono. It's used as everything from a marinade, to a dressing, to a dip for chicken, lamb, and seafood and it's really fucking delicious. We can make a simple Greekish tomato sauce with oregano and basil, and we'll give feta cheese a headlining role beside the parmesan (or parmigiano-reggiano if you buy the real stuff).
Foodies like to bandy about the word "deconstruction", which usually means spreading the ingredients out on a plate and making you assemble it yourself. A deconstructed PB&J would be a half a loaf of Ethiopian rye bread, a glob of peanut butter mixed with almonds and avocado smeared "artfully" on a plate, and a small German shoe filled with apricot and owl vomit jelly. It's not so much deconstructed as it is unnecessarily fucked with, and not usually for the better. This is more of a logical reengineering.

Balsamic Chicken and Pasta

What you need:

• • • • Balsamic vinegar

• • • • Chicken broth
• • • • Sugar (granulated)
• • • • Garlic (whole and powdered)
• • Italian seasoning (pre-blended or use what you like)
• • Olive and vegetable oil

Boneless chicken

Penne pasta

Parmesan

 or Romano cheese

I originally found this recipe online (here) and I've made it many times since. Instead of a straight chicken dish, I serve it as a pasta and change the preparation. You'd think that using so much balsamic would give this a really overpowering taste. You'd be wrong. Also stupid. The chicken is moist, tender, and extremely flavorful without being overpowering. The marinade/sauce/reduction/what-the-fuck-ever-you-want-to-call-it also makes a top notch pasta dressing.