Fucking Badass Sangria

Ingredients
1 standard size bottle of Merlot
Sweet and sour mix
Sugar
1 Mango
Lemons
Limes
1 Orange
Cherries (in a jar)
Can of crushed pineapple
Sprite

Sangria. It means bloody in Spanish. It's also incredibly fucking tasty. Every year I have a "cocktail of summer" (last year it was the mojito) and, while sangria isn't really a cocktail, it's the selection for this year. It's my fucking tradition, so I do what I want.
Sangria is pretty simple, actually: red wine (or white wine if you're making sangria blanco), fresh fruit, something to add a bit of sweetness, and either brandy or soda. So long as you stick with this simple formula, you can really do whatever you want. Want to use kiwis, grapefruit, and tangerines? Go for it. Honey to sweeten? Shine on you crazy fucking diamond. It's so simple that it must have been invented by drunk people. Like, legitimately drunk people. Just sitting around the hacienda one day, completely shit housed, and someone says, "Dude, let's take all the wine... mix it with all the fruit... some other shit from the cabinet... then, like, fuckin' let it sit there for a while." Drunk brilliance is really the best kind of brilliance.

Why not Just Buy a Bottle of Sangria?
Because fuck you, that's why. Also, homemade sangria tastes ten times better than sangria from a bottle. Not to say I haven't bought a bottle or two in my time, but when I can make it from scratch, I do. Here's my recipe.

Godzilla Egg Rolls

Ingredients
Egg roll wrappers (standard size)
Cabbage coleslaw mix 
Raw spinach
Ground chicken
One Egg
General tso chicken spice mix
Ground ginger
Sriracha
Peanut oil
Hosin sauce (optional)

Godzilla rape face

It isn't accurate to call most Chinese food Chinese. Most of the shit you're familiar with is actually American. General Tso's chicken, sweet and sour pork, crab rangoon, fortune cookies... all have their roots in the US. Hell, even the little white Chinese food cartons are American. Most American's know absolutely dick about Chinese cuisine... and, frankly, I'm not here to change that. Maybe later.
Egg rolls are small, deep fried rolls traditionally stuffed with cabbage, pork, and other shit. They're usually eaten as an appetizer. My egg rolls are made with a specially prepared ground chicken, cabbage mix, and spinach. And they're four times the size of normal egg rolls. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. They're named after my favorite Chinese actor... Gojirra, or as you round eyes call him, Godzilla.
Note: If you're looking to make normal sized (commonly called "pussy") egg rolls, you can do that too. But I'll think less of you.

So, what the fuck are CHINESE egg rolls?
If you're in China and you order an egg roll, you'll probably get a sweet pastry also called a "love letter". They're little, decorated flute-shaped rolls that are dipped into various dessert/sex condiments like chocolate sauce, strawberries, e.t.c.). The closest to an egg roll the Chinese get are various spring rolls, which is a nice, broad term for rolled appetizers.

Pineapple 7Fuck-You-Up Cocktail

Ingredients
Orange Juice
Fresh pineapple
7Up
Ice
Gin
Highball glass

As I mentioned in the recipe for Caribbean-style pulled pork, I invented a cocktail while waiting for the pork to cook, using only ingredients in that recipe with the addition of some gin. My good friend Chelsie, the author of Three Ring Mom, coined the name.
This is sort of a take on an old gin cocktail called an orange blossom, with a nice little pineappley, drunk guy surprise at the end.

Caribbean-Style Pulled Pork

Ingredients
Boneless pork roast (2-2.5 pounds, which is pretty standard)
Fresh, whole pineapple
Sriracha sauce
7Up
Allspice
Red pepper
Orange juice
Barbecue sauce (choose a less sweet variety)
Bread of some kind

"Here is your pig, el Presidente."

I'd like to talk a little bit about cruises. Cruises fucking suck. I'm not going to spend three grand to ride around on some massive floating hotel with a bunch of random assholes only to be dumped into various island paradises and told when I need to be back at the boat like some fucking teenage Mormon girl being sent to the prom with her brother. Fuck that. If I go on vacation, I'm the goddamn boss. I go where I want, when I want. I'm gonna eat food off the street, not in some Americanized clone hotel probably built over some sacred native graveyard. If there's a revolution, I don't want to be stuck inside a shining beacon of greed and capitalism... I wanna be in the streets looting, rioting, and killing foreign police officers like Liam Neeson in Taken.
Once I've lead this glorious revolution and have been installed el Presidente for life, I'll make this the official dish of my new country, which will be called Motherfuckistan. This is an original recipe that, like my hundreds of illegitimate children, is a nice blend of Caribbean and American: Southern pulled pork, pineapple, and a mock jerk spice using traditional island spices (allspice) and peppers (sriracha). Also, 7Up. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
The finished pork has a fucking incredible sweetness with a hint of heat that, honestly, you don't really even NEED barbecue sauce on. Feel free to toss it on some flat bread, add some sautéed peppers, cheese, and a bit more sriracha and you're good to go. If you do go with barbecue sauce, find one that's not overly sweet. But first, a bit more from the islands:

What the Fuck is Jerk Spice?

Jerking is a method of cooking most closely associated with the island of Jamaica. You see it most commonly done on grills made out of oil drums, cooking chicken or pork with a blend of traditional and extremely hot spices. The two key components of jerk spice are allspice (which Jamaicans call pimento) and scotch bonnet peppers. Allspice was once thought to only grow on the island, and was named by the English who thought it smelled like a combination of many spices, proving there truly is nothing that the English can't fuck up. Today, in America at least, we use a lot of allspice at Christmas, which might be making you think twice about this recipe. Let me allay your fears. Also, don't you EVER question me again. EVER.

Goat Cheese Meatballs (with Spaghetti)

Ingredients
Meatballs
Ground beef
Sour cream
Eggs
Bread crumbs
Goat cheese (crumbled)
Onion flakes
Garlic powder
Greek seasoning
Basil
Dried chopped onions
Salt
Spaghetti and Sauce
Everything from "Spaghetti with Meat Sauce" recipe, minus the ground beef.

I don't know if it's long tradition or just plain asshoishness that makes recipes for classic Italian foods so harshly debated and highly prized. Virtually everyone with an Italian last name has their great-grandmother's sauce recipe which, they claim, is better than a hummer from an Italian supermodel (pictured). In this respect, no food is more argued about than the simple, hard-working meatball. We're talking about a world of Italians ready to take a bat to anyone who would dare question their nonna's culinary expertise.
Yeah, well fuck that. My meatballs are firm yet melt in your mouth. Plus, they're all beef (no need for sausage or veal) which means you avoid having to make two pounds of balls every time you have the Italiano craving... and you will have this craving. Oh yes. My meatballs aren't even Italian; they're Greek, and you know what they say about Greeks: we're great cooks, great in the sack, and shitty with money. To add the pièce de résistance... goat cheese. Because goat cheese makes everything better. Suck it, Italy. Or, should I say, succhiare Italia.


A Word About Goat Cheese

Goat cheese has a taste similar to feta, though it's not as salty, since feta is brined. Other than being generally delicious, it has a few properties that make it great in meatballs. First, it doesn't really melt: it softens considerably but remains viscous enough that it won't get runny. This means your balls won't fall apart on you. It also really mellows out the acidity of the tomato sauce. Plus, it's non-dairy, so all you lactose intolerant folks can go hog wild.

Spicy Black Bean and Adobo Beef "Deadeye" Burritos

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (El Pato is good and common)
Ground beef
Canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
Flour tortillas
Salsa con queso
Chili powder
Cumin
Garlic powder
Salt
Whatever the fuck else you want (tomatoes and sour cream, for instance)

Back in December, I posted what was essentially a recipe for a black bean burrito filling that makes the best bean and cheese burritos you'll ever shove into your face, all for under four dollars. I said at the time that you can add other stuff later. Well, welcome to later. To make Mexican Standoff Burritos into Deadeye burritos, all we need to add is some ground beef and a sexy mistress called adobo. But first...

What the fuck is a chipotle pepper, exactly?
Chipotles are extremely fucking popular right now, but you might be surprised to learn that there's really no such thing as a chipotle pepper, at least not in the same sense as a habanero, poblao, or jalapeño that you can pick off of a vine. Chipotle peppers are actually jalapeño peppers that have been over ripened, dried, and smoked; a method perfected in Northern Mexico. This process jacks up the heat and gives it that signature smoky flavor. Oh, and it's pronounced [chi-PO-tlay], not whatever the fuck you idiots have been calling it.

Meat and Potato Kebabs

Ingredients
Boneless chicken
Steak
Small potatoes (red, white, fingerling, blue, whatever)
Garlic powder
Salt
Basil
Butter
Skewers (bamboo or metal)

Meat and potatoes go together like strip clubs and glitter, beer and firearms, and choking and the Washington Capitals. Combine these two foods with the greatest method of cooking known to man and you have something pretty special.
There's something to be said about food on a stick. That something is "Hell yes, give me some food on a stick." The greatest thing about kebabs is that you're cooking a whole meal at once.  The hardest thing about kebabs is that you have to cook a whole meal at once. With your traditional kebab fare (meat and veg), this isn't that big a deal; just make sure to slice your meat small enough and everything will turn out nicely. But when you get potatoes involved, it becomes a whole other ball game. But it can be done, and pretty simply assuming you're not a dumbass. Also, we're going to lose the vegetables all together because fuck vegetables.

Ancient Persian preparing to grill out

A Word About Kebab Versus Kebob
The word kebab comes from the Persian word kebbaba which means "to burn". It appears in the Talmud when describing offerings made at the local temple (usually burnt meat). Today, it's combined with the word shish (from the Arabic word for grilled meat) to describe meat grilled on a skewer. I'm not entirely sure what a kebob is, but feel free to keep calling it that if you find kebab a tad pretentious.


IMPORTANT NOTE: This recipe requires use of a grill. If you don't have a grill or rudimentary knowledge of how to use a grill, disregard this recipe. Also, kill yourself.

Top Shelf Ribs

Ingredients
Country style pork ribs
Barbecue sauce
Brown sugar
Worcestershire sauce
Apple cider vinegar
Bay leaves
Liquid smoke (optional)

Pictured: A man.

I am a man. I enjoy masculine things... beards, meat, tobacco, people getting hit in the face unexpectedly, and the late George C. Scott just to name a few. Occasionally I'll replace my middle name with a curse word... things like that. There are, however, traditionally masculine things that I don't care for: sexism, bathroom humor, golf, and ribs, for instance. Now, let me clarify that last item. I dislike ribs about 85% of the time, for one reason only: that ribby aftertaste. I don't know what it is or what causes it, but it sucks every fucking ounce of goodness out of ribs. It's there for hours afterward, just hanging around making your mouth feel like shit.
Growing up I never had this problem because I only ate the ribs my mom made... ribs that tasted like they're supposed to, with no fucking aftertaste. Ribs that define "fall off the bone" without even having a fucking bone to fall off of. We combine this method of cooking with a little sauce creation of my own to form a kind of meat nirvana which nothing but goodness may enter.

Terremoto

What You Need
Sweet or semi-sweet Riesling
Pineapple sherbet
Beverage pitcher

I was sitting on the couch in my boxers watching TV the other day and happened upon an episode of No Reservations featuring Tony's trip to Chile. During the first segment, I think, Tony is taken to a restaurant called El Hoyo in Santiago where he's introduced to a drink called a terremoto... a combination of a Chilean white wine called pipeño and pineapple ice cream. The word terremoto is Spanish for earthquake... the drink is so named either because it was invented for some journalists covering an earthquake back in the 80s or because it's supposed to get you inordinately shit-housed in a hurry.  Mixing wine and ice cream has just the right amount of fucked-upedness to make my ears perk up, so I wanted to make it. Thus I hurried to the magical internets to find a recipe. There I discovered plenty, all of which said "combine pipeño and pineapple ice cream". Real fucking helpful, assholes. So, I made my own.

Mojito Part 2: La Moderno

What You Need
Granulated cane sugar
Carbonated water (soda, seltzer, sparkling... just don't use tonic)
Fresh limes
Fresh mint
Light/White rum (decent quality, Bacardi or higher)
Ice
Highball glass
Jigger
Shaker

The classic mojito is like Desi Arnaz... a bit dated, but still fun, enjoyable, and pretty badass. You've made the classic mojito and enjoyed it, but as far as I'm concerned, there are a couple of problems. First and foremost is inconsistency. As many times as I've made them, every fucking one is different and it's next to impossible to get it just the way you like it. Personally, I like a nice kick of mint in my mojito. The classic I made for this blog ended up having more lime than mint. Sometimes I'll get it too sweet, or not sweet enough, or overly minty. The reason for this is our second problem... the use of a muddler. Muddling isn't very precise, especially when you're working with three ingredients. Plus, a bent spoon will work in a pinch, but if you're going to make these semi-regularly (and you are), it'll get real old real quick. I cannot justify owning a specific tool that is used in just one fucking drink. Luckily, our two problems have one solution... a little thing I like to call mint infused simple syrup. It's an easily measurable, easily mixable replacement for both the mint and the sugar, making the mojito la moderno a lot like Cuban model-turn-singer Mayra Veronica... trim, sleek, and just about perfect.

Mojito Part 1: The Classic

What You Need
Powdered sugar
Carbonated water (soda, seltzer, sparkling... just don't use tonic)
Fresh limes
Fresh mint
Light/White rum (decent quality, Bacardi or higher)
Ice
Highball glass
Jigger
Shaker



Summer is slowly approaching and it's time to start thinking about my summer cocktail for 2011. This has been a personal tradition of mine for about five years... each summer I seem to pick one cocktail and stick with it all season long. Last year was the summer of the mint julip, a southern classic. This year, the mojito has her Cuban claws deeply embedded.
As far as I'm concerned, the mojito is a perfect cocktail: not too sweet or heavy with a great flavor and plenty of zest (from both the rum and the lime). Plus, Ernest fucking Hemmingway drank them, and the only thing that man liked more than drinking was killing shit with huge guns. He is truly a man to be emulated.
This is part one of a two part series, focusing on the classic Cuban mojito. Part two will be a my more personal twist on the drink... but it's important to know where you come from, so here's the classic.

Lemon Glazed Chicken

Ingredients
Chicken breast (strips, fillets, halves... whatever blows your skirt)
Lemons
Fresh parsley
Vegetable oil
Butter
Salt
Pepper

Thus sayeth Natalie Dee

After a slightly lengthy vacation/prison sentence, I'm back to the blog. I would apologize for my absence, but I don't care what the fuck you think, so... there's that.
When you go to the grocery store to gather lemons to make this (which you will do if you know what's good for you) make sure you get the best lemons in the pile. This requires a little fruit investigation. You want a lemon that feels heavy but not hard. When you squeeze it there should be some give... a hard lemon means a thicker rind, which means you get less juice. Obviously, you'll want to avoid any lemons that have brown splotches, but green splotches are ok. Lemons change from green to yellow based entirely on temperature, not age, so a bit of green is perfectly fine. You can expect about three tablespoons of juice from your lemon, but that doesn't mean you should substitute bottled for fresh squeezed. Bottled lemon juice, while fine for cocktails, doesn't have the same delicate flavor as fresh lemon juice, so buy the goddamn fruit.

Spaghetti with Meat Sauce

Ingredients
Ground beef
Tomato sauce (two 8oz cans)
Tomato paste (one 6oz can)
Spaghetti noodles
Oregano
Basil
Garlic powder
Italian seasoning
Cavender's Greek Seasoning
Shredded Parmesan cheese


It's odd for me to write this recipe down since I've been making it for nearly twenty years and it's extremely simple... but the preponderance of canned and jarred spaghetti sauces leads me to believe it might be helpful to someone. Pre-made spaghetti sauce makes no fucking sense to me... it's like buying a sandwich in a jar. It's much cheaper and better tasting to just make it yourself. The very existence of pre-made spaghetti sauce is an indicator of a huge problem with modern food... some things are just too goddamn convenient. Get up off your ass and learn some shit.
This is a basic meat sauce with lots of potential for variation. You can omit the meat for use with ravioli and on pizza, or substitute the beef for Italian sausage or ground turkey for a spicier or lower fat option.

Cherry & Apple Phyllo Strudel

Ingredients
Granny smith apples
Fresh cherries
Brown sugar
Cinnamon
Phyllo dough
Butter
Graham crackers
Some sort of whipped or clotted cream would be nice but isn't required


Someone once asked me to do a dessert recipe. Unfortunately, I fucking hate baking and most desserts require a great deal of it. Why do I hate baking? For me, it's just too goddamn passive. You mix some shit, pour it into a pan, toss it in an oven and hope for the best. I like to cook actively... stirring and draining and flipping shit keeps me coming back for more. I like watching stuff change into other stuff. However, I've never been one to disappoint a pretty girl (and I mean that exactly the way you think I mean that) so here's a dessert with all the technical movement of a complicated sauce and all the goodness of those frilly little cupcakes all the morons are so fucking enamored with. Seriously, what the hell is up with cupcakes? They're just smaller than average cakes for Christ's sake. They actually have shops that make and sell NOTHING but cupcakes. What the fuck kind of ludicrousness is that? I couldn't open a sandwich shop and only sell club sandwiches, could I? You're goddamn right I couldn't. Anyway, here comes some strudel, but first:

A Word About Phyllo

It's just called phyllo, not phyllo dough. Phyllo is a paper thin Baltic/central Asian pastry that can be used in pretty much anything. It's the Swiss army knife of pastry... you can use it in desserts, main courses, snacks, and to repair your 1970 Ford Ranchero sedan. People tend to make a big deal about phyllo being "difficult to work with". In fact, when I told a friend I was making something with phyllo, they were inordinately impressed with my cooking skills. Don't buy into the hype: phyllo isn't difficult to work with assuming you're not a goddamn moron. The only thing you have to remember is to be careful with it and, if you start with frozen phyllo, thaw it very slowly (over 24 hours in your ice box) or it'll fall apart on you like your 1970 Ford Ranchero sedan.

Ladolemono Chicken Parmesan

Ingredients
Tomato sauce (2 small cans)
Tomato paste (1 can)
Pasta (penne or cut ziti will work)
Garlic
Basil
Chicken breast tenderloins
Feta cheese (crumbled)
Parmesan cheese (shredded)
Dijon mustard
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
Oregano
Lemon juice


This recipe was inspired by a post on the excellent food blog Potter's Kitchen for a quick, traditional Chicken Parmesan. I'd wager that if you asked the average American what their favorite Italian food is, chicken parm would be in the top 5. Its deliciousness lies in simplicity of concept: pasta, sauce, breaded chicken, cheese. It's so simple a concept, in fact, that it's just begging for some variation and substitution. But what variation? Well, I'm Greek and it's Italian... plus, around 100 BC, those motherfuckers stole our gods. It's time to pay the fiddler, bitch.

Now, we could just dredge some chicken in olive oil and call it Greek, but we have more cajones than that. My second favorite traditional Greek sauce (after tzatziki) is a simple lemon and olive oil sauce called ladolemono. It's used as everything from a marinade, to a dressing, to a dip for chicken, lamb, and seafood and it's really fucking delicious. We can make a simple Greekish tomato sauce with oregano and basil, and we'll give feta cheese a headlining role beside the parmesan (or parmigiano-reggiano if you buy the real stuff).
Foodies like to bandy about the word "deconstruction", which usually means spreading the ingredients out on a plate and making you assemble it yourself. A deconstructed PB&J would be a half a loaf of Ethiopian rye bread, a glob of peanut butter mixed with almonds and avocado smeared "artfully" on a plate, and a small German shoe filled with apricot and owl vomit jelly. It's not so much deconstructed as it is unnecessarily fucked with, and not usually for the better. This is more of a logical reengineering.

Taco Pie

Ingredients
Refrigerated crescent rolls
Hamburger
Mexican tomato sauce
sour cream
Shredded cheese
Nacho cheese flavored tortilla chips DORITOS! THEY'RE FUCKING DORITOS!
Cumin
Chili powder


Food is one of the biggest ways in which we define culture. Where you come from and what you ate growing up is a big factor in your personal culture. Scots eat haggis, Italians dig on pasta, and black people in the south chow on collard greens... we all know this. People (Americans at least) love food from other cultures, and I'm no exception. However, no one ever shares MY culture with others. I'm going to change that.

White Trash Cuisine

I was born white trash... that is, extremely financially disadvantaged Caucasian most often (but not always) found in the American south. That's just the way it is. Some people might be offended to be called trash. Well, it's the common fucking nomenclature so you might as well put on your big boy pants stop being a little bitch about it. It is what it is, and honestly, all things considered, I'm pretty proud of it.
Don't confuse southern white trash with the other common cultural group in the South... rednecks. We aren't, as a general rule, rednecks. I didn't grow up listening to country music, going to the rodeo, wearing a big hat, or shooting guns. While some things will overlap (mobile homes, for instance) that's all primarily redneck culture. White trash culture is born from extreme poverty and city life. We're the welfare cases all of the fucking Republicans love to throw under the bus... the "getting knocked up before your Sweet 16" crowd. Everything in white trash culture stems from poverty. I'm talking about families that live on less than five grand a year in many cases.
I don't mean this to turn into a Sally Struthers commercial. It's just the way it is, and as it stands, I wouldn't change much about the situation in which I was raised. White trash can grow up and do all right... plenty of people have.  But the ability to feed a family of four with your last six dollars isn't a skill you lose. When you have to make do, you start getting inventive. This is where white trash food was born. We're talking Hamburger Helper, SOS (shit on a shingle), Spam, friend bologna, Bar S hot dogs, Kool-Aid... do you find yourself feeling kind of bad about this? Well fucking quit it. I genuinely love this food, and still make it despite not really needing to. I just ask that you approach it like you would any other culture... and you can start with Taco Pie.

Tomato Basil Pasta

Ingredients
Radiatori pasta (or any spiral pasta like rotini or cavatappi)
Olive oil
Garlic powder
Cherry tomatoes
Fresh basil
Lemon juice
Parmesan cheese (shredded)
Feta cheese (crumbled)


There's snow on the ground here in east Arkansas and the temperatures are dropping well below freezing. I fucking love the cold, to the point that I like to walk outside when it's at it's coldest and just stand around. Nothing makes you feel more alive. The odd thing about this weather is that it makes me crave things that most people would eat during the summer... ice cream, fresh fruit, that kinda shit. This is a simple and exceedingly good pasta dish that most people would say belongs in the summertime. Fuck those people.

Mango Curry Pork Chops

Ingredients
Boneless pork chops (4 or 5)
Mango nectar
Olive oil
Garlic powder
Curry
Basil


The holidays are over and it's time to get back in the thick of things. Right after Christmas, I sat down and said, "Man, it sure would be nice for some combination throat/nose sickness to drop by and fuck me in the face." Wouldn't you know it, that's just what I got. It's a goddamn Christmas miracle. My favorite part of being sick, aside from feeling like I swallowed broken glass and downing hot tea like an eighty-year-old British headmistress, is the inability to taste or smell anything. This called for a dish that had both a powerful flavor and a strong scent. Sounds like a job for curry powder.

Curry versus Curry Powder
What we're using here is curry powder, not curry. There is a huge difference in the two, which you should be aware of, lest you look like a fucking idiot in front of friends and family. The word curry basically means sauce in the Indian language Tamil (Slurpee Indian, not casino Indian). Many people think that curry has a specific taste... it doesn't. It's used much like we would use the word soup. Curries from different parts of the Indian subcontinent vary widely in taste. Curry powder has NOTHING to do with actual curry. Curry powder is a mix of vaguely Indian spices including coriander, tumeric, red pepper, and cumin. There's nothing inherently Indian about curry powder. Much like chutney, curry powder was invented by some (undoubtedly British) wiseass who took the name without really caring to understand what it was. So, once again, fuck you India.

Chili

Ingredients
Ground beef
Tomato soup (2 cans)
Tomato sauce (smallish can)
Kidney beans
Small white or navy beans
Black beans
Cumin
Chili powder
Onion flakes (optional)
Ground red pepper (optional)
Hot sauce (optional)


At the dawn of time, God came down from heaven to survey his creation. After taking a long, hard look, he said "Looks pretty good. Goddamn, I'm hungry... I sure could go for some chili." As far as God and I are concerned, there are two commandments that all chili must abide by:

I:  Thou shalt include a metric shit-ton of protein
II: Thou shalt cook for a fucking long time

Chili isn't a fancy food. This is why I don't give my chili a fancy name. Most of the time, when people want you to try their grandmother's "One-of-a-Kind Three Alarm Firehouse Monster Chili" what they serve you isn't even chili. It's some sort of fucked up stew. The two chili commandments determine what can be included.

Why is other "Chili" Inferior?
It's simple, really. The people that make them are idiots. I've seen chili recipes that include corn, green beans, carrots, spaghetti noodles... the list goes on. These are inferior ingredients that don't jive with the cooking process, which goes by the technical phrase "slow as fuck". Slow cooking as a technique does NOT lend itself to the preparation of vegetables (they lose their taste, color, and nutritional content) or pasta (they get soggy as a bed sheet on a porn set). On the other hand, slow cooking does wonders with meat, especially low quality "fatty" meat (like hamburger). It's also the best way to cook beans, as it keeps the skin in tact while enriching the inherent flavor. Spice is very important, as it will permeate the proteins over the long cooking process. To hold this all together, we want a nice, thick base... and it gets no thicker than tomato sauce, which, as an added bonus, will pick up much of the spice.

Now that that shit is taken care of, let's make some motherfucking chili.

Spicy Black Bean "Mexican Standoff" Burritos

Ingredients
Black Beans
Mexican or spicy tomato sauce (check the hispanic food aisle next to the Jarritos)
Flour tortillas
Shredded cheese
Chili powder
Cumin
Whatever the fuck else you want


This is an ultra-cheap, ultra-quick recipe (under $4 and 15 minutes makes enough to feed 3 people or 1.5 fat people) that will blow your fucking mind. I call these Mexican standoff burritos because, with three ingredients (beans, tomato sauce, and cheese), they're so good you'll want to shoot a motherfucker or two. It really is shocking how good these burritos are. They're so good, in fact, I've never added anything else to them, save a quick shot of hot sauce here and there. As an added bonus, they can be frozen (with a little plastic wrap and foil) and are almost as good after a few minutes in the microwave. Three kickass lunches for under $4? Can't fucking beat that now can you?