Sunday, March 4, 2012

Godzilla Egg Rolls

Egg roll wrappers (standard size)
Cabbage coleslaw mix 

Raw spinach
Ground chicken
One Egg
General tso chicken spice mix
Ground ginger

Peanut oil
Hosin sauce (optional)

Godzilla rape face
It isn't accurate to call most Chinese food Chinese. Most of the shit you're familiar with is actually American. General Tso's chicken, sweet and sour pork, crab rangoon, fortune cookies... all have their roots in the US. Hell, even the little white Chinese food cartons are American. Most American's know absolutely dick about Chinese cuisine... and, frankly, I'm not here to change that. Maybe later.
Egg rolls are small, deep fried rolls traditionally stuffed with cabbage, pork, and other shit. They're usually eaten as an appetizer. My egg rolls are made with a specially prepared ground chicken, cabbage mix, and spinach. And they're four times the size of normal egg rolls. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. They're named after my favorite Chinese actor... Gojirra, or as you round eyes call him, Godzilla.
Note: If you're looking to make normal sized (commonly called "pussy") egg rolls, you can do that too. But I'll think less of you.

So, what the fuck are CHINESE egg rolls?
If you're in China and you order an egg roll, you'll probably get a sweet pastry also called a "love letter". They're little, decorated flute-shaped rolls that are dipped into various dessert/sex condiments like chocolate sauce, strawberries, e.t.c.). The closest to an egg roll the Chinese get are various spring rolls, which is a nice, broad term for rolled appetizers.

1) In a zip lock bag, combine about half a cup of soy sauce, one and a half tablespoons of ground ginger, and a few blasts of sriracha. Using a broad spatula, toss in your pound of ground chicken, seal the bag, mix that bitch up, and let it marinate in the fridge for about a half hour.

2) Once you're all marinated, put a pan on the stove over medium high heat. Toss in some nonstick spray and get the pan nice and hot. Drain the ground chicken and scoop it into the pan. Your hands work best here, as the chicken has a tendency to get soft.

Let it cook for a bit until most of the pink is gone, then give it a light dusting of the general tso's spice mix. Chinese 5 spice works well here, too... but it's kind of a bitch to find. You shouldn't need to use the entire package.

Mix it up and continue cooking until done, about 8-10 minute total. It should be firm but with a slightly sticky quality. Toss your chicken into a large mixing bowl.

3) In a different pan (or the same one after you scrub all the chicken leavings out) drop in about a teaspoon of peanut oil. Turn it on high and let it get extremely hot.

Once your oil heats up, throw in three hand fulls of your cabbage mix. I like to use the kind with carrots, red, and white cabbage. With a fork or tongs, keep the cabbage moving around the pan without stopping. That's why they call it stir frying, idiot.

After 3 or 4 minutes, your vegetables should have become nice and soft. Don't cook it so long that your carrots and red cabbage loose their color.

A bit of browning on the white cabbage and you'll know you're done. Remove the vegetable mixture into your mixing bowl, atop your chicken.

4) Now you're going to repeat step three with your spinach. Two handfuls will do. The spinach is done in less than 30 seconds, wilting almost immediately. Keep everything moving and don't over cook.

Toss your spinach into your mixing bowl on top of your other vegetables. Mix it all together and set aside.

5) Now we need to set up our big fucking egg roll wrapper. Line a cabinet with wax paper and whisk one egg into a bowl. Begin by laying out one sheet and, using a pastry or basting brush, applying the egg wash to the right side. Lay another sheet over the edge of the first sheet, covering the egg wash as you see below. Apply more egg to the combined tops of the two sheets.

Lay another sheet on the left, like before. Apply your egg to its right side, then finish off your egg roll quilt with a final sheet. Apply one final sweep of egg over the top, which will seal the wrap once rolled.

6) Now, we need to roll. Apply a generous portion of your filling to the egg roll wrapper like so.

Then, using the WAX PAPER (not the wrapper, because you'll probably pull it apart like a big, dumb asshole), roll it over the filling. Carefully fold the sides over it like an envelope, making sure to fold all the way down.

Now, just roll it from the bottom until you get to the edge, and press to seal. As you can see, they hold together beautifully.

7) Now we're at the part that you can easily fuck up, so pay attention. Add peanut oil to your pan, enough to nicely cover a little less than half the height of your egg rolls (or about 2 cups, give or take, depending on the size of your pan). Put it on the stove and let it heat up completely. Somewhere between medium-high and high should do the trick. It's easy to test your oil... just tear off a piece of egg roll wrapper and toss it in. When your oil is ready, it will turn the scrap of wrapper white, bubbles with form on the outside, and it'll harden in less than 10 seconds.

When your oil is hot enough, you can insert your egg rolls. This can be a delicate procedure... I suggest using tongs and your hand, gripping each end, and carefully laying them down into the oil.

The wrapper will get nice and brown in under a minute... just watch the sides as a guide. Flip VERY carefully or risk burning your house down. Tongs are essential here... don't use a spatula.

When your egg rolls are done, transfer them to a wire rack or a plate with a paper towel to drain all the excess grease.

If, for some reason, you'd like to make small egg rolls, (to use the rest of your filling, perhaps) it's simple. Just set your wrappers up like so, using a very small amount of filling, and wrap as before. Then go put on a dress and watch The Notebook because you're clearly a teenage girl.

I've made a few standard-size, pussy egg rolls for comparison purposes only. Look as they cower before the might of the Godzilla egg roll, which is not only huge but delicious. Plate, serve, and enjoy.

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