Monday, November 15, 2010

Are you a foodie? Yeah? Fuck you.

Cooking is for pussies. Someone needs to say it and it might as well be me. How a science that involves fire, death, and sharp objects in the creation of something so pleasurable got to the state in which we find it is fucking beyond me. You know who fucked it up? Foodies. Just saying that word makes my trigger finger twitch. Fucking foodies and their molecular gastronomy bullshit have taken a badass art/science hybrid and turned it into fucking cocoa cardamom cumin chicken wings and lovage salad and coq au coconut and celery root puree (I took all of of these from a foodie blog, I fucking swear it). Yeah, well suck my coq au coconut. Food is not a fucking status symbol. The more you try to use it to prove how awesomely bohemian you are the more I want shoot you in the face with a crossbow.
So that brings us here. What is this? This is a celebration of what food should be: fucking badass. I like to cook almost as much as I like to eat. I like to try new shit, and then alter that shit to increase the badassery. My kitchen might not always be clean and I might not always be wearing pants. That's how I roll. I also like rules, and here are mine:

  • Everything I make will use ingredients you can actually find in your fucking hemisphere. I usually get everything I need at Walmart, though I might hit a farmers market or the local butcher when I want something specific.
  • You shouldn't have to spend a fuckton of money to make good food. I don't. Cooking should save you money when compared to eating at a restaurant.
  • Where applicable, I'll try to keep things good for you. Healthyish, anyway.
  • Booze.
  • You should make enough food to actually eat. If you finish eating and you still want more, you fucking failed.
  • There will be cursing. (no shit, right?)
  • Cooking is science. You have to experiment. Recipes aren't blueprints to be followed to the letter... they're a framework. I make shit the way I like it and you should do the same. If you like bleu cheese and want to put it in your chicken cordon bleu, fucking go for it. Let me know how it works out.
  • Strong opinions will be expressed. If you disagree with me, that's fine. Do it your way. If you disagree with me and you're a dick about it, fuck you.
  • If you take time to make something, it should be fucking badass. If you have to ask what that means, fuck you. Boring food is off limits.

I'll also tackle other food related topics from steaks to shakes to Steak n' Shake. Maybe not Steak n' Shake. I fucking hate Steak n' Shake. Nothing is off limits except, like I said, maybe Steak n' Shake. Seriously, fuck that place. $8 for a six inch long sandwich and some fries? Just because it's wrapped in butchers paper and taped up doesn't make it a three pound deli sub from lower Manhattan. Goddamn criminals. They're almost as bad as Hooters. Don't even get me fucking started on that place.
That's it. That's the manifesto. Time to make it happen.


  1. I think I just saw Padma run bawling her eyes out into Whole Foods.

  2. I love how one of the rules is "booze". No explanation, just "booze". As it should be!

  3. I just love the way he says, "Fuck You."