Motherfucking Booze Time: Sparkling Wine

I was originally going to do this guide right before the New Year. Unfortunately, as you might remember, I was sick and didn't get around to it. Looking back, I'm glad I'm doing it now because one of the biggest points I'd like to make is that sparkling wine (including champagne) fucking rules. Sparkling wines should be thought of as standard wines and not some "special occasion" bullshit. The biggest issue to overcome here is champagne... that is, that all sparkling wines are considered inferior to champagne and the cost of a decent bottle of champagne dissuades purchase by the average wino (you and me). Don't fall into this group of slack-jawed swine fuckers. Think of champagne as a variety of sparkling wine, with its own pros and cons.

The History of Sparkling Wine or Why France is Stupid

Effervescence in wine is not new nor was it invented by anyone (especially not the goddamn French). Ancient Greeks and Romans wrote about it but had no fucking clue where it came from. They attributed it to demons, curiously never explaining why demons would use their terrible infernal powers to make little bubbles in booze instead of skinning infants or raining fire from the heavens. Wine from the Champagne region of France (today the only wine that can legally be called just champagne, which you would have known had you seen Wayne's World 2) had a tendency to both sparkle and explode (I'll explain why later). In fact, one exploding bottle would lead to a chain reaction that could claim an entire cellar and up to a half dozen French peasants. Yes, that does sound fucking awesome.The French didn't much care for glass shards  embedded in their little faces (pussies) and instead of trying to figure out why their wine was exploding, they, taking a page from the Greeks and Romans, just blamed it on the Devil. The volatile nature of the wine didn't stop them from shipping it to England, though. Why? Because fuck England. However, the English used stronger glass and cork stoppers when they bottled the wine, which kept it from exploding yet preserved the sparkle. In a big reverse "fuck you" to those French surrender monkeys, the English loved the wine and even figured out what made it effervescent. It's pretty likely that English merchants began producing champagne before the French using their grapes. The Brits taught the French how to do all this later... 200 years later.

So, what have we learned? Not only was sparkling wine not invented in France, those frogs didn't even fucking like it when they first tried it and probably weren't even the first to produce the shit with their own grapes. Yeah, France is full of morons.


So What's With The Goddamn Bubbles?
Sparkling wine starts out like any other wine. Grapes are grown, harvest, and fermented. The difference is... it has to ferment again to create effervescence. There are three ways to do this that you should know about. First, you can inject carbon dioxide into it like you're making a big batch of Mountain Dew, also known as the "Fucking Lazy" or "Ghetto Method". This leads to big bubbles that don't stick around long, essentially creating the Boone's Farm of sparkling wine. Murder anyone trying to serve you this swill. The second is the Italian method (Metodo Italiano) also known as charmat, which sees the wine undergo a secondary fermentation in a vat and bottled under pressure. This makes teensey, long lasting bubbles and lends itself to a very delicate taste. The third is the champagne or French method (méthode champenoise) which is how the Brits taught the French to do it. This method causes the second fermentation to occur inside the bottle after it's sealed. The big difference between French and Italian method wines is when you need to drink them. With wine made in the méthode champenoise, the older the better. Since it ferments in the bottle, it doesn't start going bad until after you open it. Wine produced through the charmat method will grow stale in the bottle over time and should be consumed as young as possible.
During the second fermentation, the wine is bottled (or vatted) with yeast and sugar. As the sugar ferments, it releases carbon dioxide... the more sugar, the more carbon dioxide. This builds up pressure, which is what caused the pussy French wine bottles to explode and kill people. Once the second fermentation is complete, the sediment is removed, the bottle is corked (thanks again, England) and the wine is sparkly.

Choosing a Sparkling Wine or Why France is Really Stupid
So you want a little "Devil's Wine," huh? I don't blame you. Before we get into types of sparkling wine, there's one annoying thing you have to overcome before you buy a bottle: determining sweetness.

Sparkling wine isn't labeled "dry" and "sweet" like other wines. That would be too fucking simple and understandable. The one thing that the French have lent to sparkling wine is the obnoxious practice of labeling extremely dry wines "brut nature" or "extra brut" or "super brut" or "majorly fucking brut" instead of some variation of "dry". Brut means little or no sugar added. The majority of champagnes that you find fall under this distinction, and when I say dry, I mean "dead camel in the desert" dry. This wasn't the case until the start of the 19th century. Before then, most sparkling wines (including champagnes) were sweet.
Today, dessert sparklers are labeled with some variation of "doux". Middle of the road sparklers (in terms of sweetness) can be labeled anything from "sec" to "semi-doux" to, I shit you not, "dry" and "extra dry". Personally, I like my sparkling wine sweeter than I like other types, so I usually go with bottle labeled dry or a sec. If you like a bone dry wine, go anything labeled "brut". For dessert, "doux". Goddamn France.


Champagne

Might as well get this out of the way. If it's just called champagne, you know it was made in France out of a combination of white Chardonnay, black Pinot Noir, or Meunier (aka Black Riesling) grapes. It was bottled using the English French method and is likely very brut. It also costs quite a bit. If you like extremely dry sparkling wine and want to feel fancy, buy a bottle of Dom and enjoy. If you like extremely dry sparkling wine, don't give a fuck about being fancy, and want to save a few bucks, look for anything that includes the word "champagne" but isn't $40 a bottle (i.e. "California champagne"). These are made in the same style with the same kinds of grapes.

Prosecco

Prosecco comes from Italy and is made from glera grapes (it's practically the only thing glera grapes are used for). It is produced using the Italian or charmat method, and runs the gamut from "brut" to "dry," or semi-dry to semi-sweet if you skipped the first section. Did you skip the first section? THEN GO BACK AND FUCKING READ IT, ASSHOLE. I don't write this shit for my health. There are a few varieties of prosecco, and I recommend two: prosecco spumante and cartizze prosecco. The third major variety, prosecco frizzante is semi-sparkling and pretty low quality. They serve the cheapest variety in a can, so yeah, fuck that. Prosecco is excellent and not extremely costly.


Cava
Cava is a sparkling wine that originated in the Catalonia region in eastern Spain. Back in the late 19th century, a sap-sucking insect called phylloxera invaded the area and fucked up a bunch of red grape vineyards. Instead of competing with the bug, Spanish growers just said "fuck it", planted white grapes (which the bug is apparently too good to eat), and started to make sparkling wine. Cava is produced with the French method primarily from Macabeo, Parellada and Xarel·lo grapes. Cava comes in all sweetness levels, is very easy to find, and inexpensive. It also happens to have some of my favorite sparklers. You can't go wrong with a good cava.









Everything Else

Once you start to look, you'll be surprised at the variety of sparkling wines. Several countries have their own sparkler: Espumante (Portugal), Sekt (German), Pezsgő (Hungary), and Sovetskoye Shampanskoye (fucking commies). Sparklers also come from Romania, Australia, South Africa, and even the good ol' U.S of A. If you have a favorite type of wine, find out what grape is used to make it and search out a sparkler. You can even find sparkling red wine if that's your thing.










Opening the Bottle Without Looking Like a Moron
Opening a bottle of sparkling wine can be tricky if you're fucking stupid. As far as I'm concerned, there are two ways to do it: the normal way and the festive way. Both ways start out the same way: remove the foil and the little wire collar (called a muselet in case you're ever on Jeopardy or want to impress someone stupid) keeping your finger firmly placed against the cap. If you can't figure out how to work the muselet, please stop reading this blog and enroll yourself in the third grade. Once you have a bare cork, grab a bar towel (a regular dish towel will work, too... but you should really invest $5 in some fucking bar towels like an adult). You're going to rest the bottom of the bottle against your upper leg or stomach. Using the bar towel to hold onto the cork, slowly rotate the BOTTLE. As you rotate, you're going to pull back on the BOTTLE. Notice how the word bottle is in all caps there? There's a reason for that. Do not yank on the fucking cork... ideally it should stay in the same place throughout this process. Yanking on the cork can cause you to drop the bottle or spill the wine and look like an asshole. You'll start to feel the bottle slipping back and the cork will release with a soft pop. Watch this video for a demonstration.

That's the way you should open the bottle 99% of the time. Now, for festive occasions you might want something with a bit more flash and bang. To shoot the cork off the top of the bottle, follow the steps above (and in the video) except pulling back on the bottle. Once you've rotated the bottle, lose the towel and, resting the bottom of the bottle on your thigh or stomach, point it at a solid object or someone you dislike. Cup the neck with both hands, placing both thumbs under the cork. Push up with your thumbs and send that motherfucker flying. Mazel tov!
When opening your bottle, do NOT EVER point it at your stupid face or anything you don't want broken. This includes while you're removing the foil and muselet. There are at least four atmospheres of pressure in the bottle... enough to send the cork through windows, TV screens, and your stupid retina. Also, you've probably seen people opening bottles with a knife or sword... this is called sabering and was invented by French cavalry during the Napoleonic age to compensate for their proclivity to surrender and their tiny, tiny penises. The sword actually shears off the top of the bottle, so don't do this unless you like the taste of glass shards.

Stemware and Serving

Sparkling wine should always be opened and served cold. No exceptions. As a general rule, you want a different glass for sparking wine than for traditional wine. There is a scientific reason for this: you want to keep the effervescence in place, so you need a glass that will give you the least amount of exposed surface area. This is why the traditional champagne flute is tall and thin. However, sparking wine is still wine, and people like to smell it. This is pretty tough to do with such a small opening. This is why I recommend a tulip glass (or white wine glass) if you have one. It's the best of both worlds... a small opening yet wide enough to get your nose in. Sparkling wine is often served in a glass called a coupe... you've seen them in champagne towers, primarily at weddings. This is a really shitty glass to drink sparkling wine from because the large surface area means the effervescence is gone very quickly. More proof that weddings are stupid. Here's a handy infographic.

 

That's that. Everything you could ever need to know about sparkling wines and much more. There were probably more demons, explosions, and French people dying than you anticipated. Consider that a bonus.