Sunday, January 29, 2012

Caribbean-Style Pulled Pork

Boneless pork roast (2-2.5 pounds, which is pretty standard)
Fresh, whole pineapple
Sriracha sauce

Red pepper
Orange juice

Barbecue sauce (choose a less sweet variety)
Bread of some kind

"Here is your pig, el Presidente."
I'd like to talk a little bit about cruises. Cruises fucking suck. I'm not going to spend three grand to ride around on some massive floating hotel with a bunch of random assholes only to be dumped into various island paradises and told when I need to be back at the boat like some fucking teenage Mormon girl being sent to the prom with her brother. Fuck that. If I go on vacation, I'm the goddamn boss. I go where I want, when I want. I'm gonna eat food off the street, not in some Americanized clone hotel probably built over some sacred native graveyard. If there's a revolution, I don't want to be stuck inside a shining beacon of greed and capitalism... I wanna be in the streets looting, rioting, and killing foreign police officers like Liam Neeson in Taken.
Once I've lead this glorious revolution and have been installed el Presidente for life, I'll make this the official dish of my new country, which will be called Motherfuckistan. This is an original recipe that, like my hundreds of illegitimate children, is a nice blend of Caribbean and American: Southern pulled pork, pineapple, and a mock jerk spice using traditional island spices (allspice) and peppers (sriracha). Also, 7Up. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
The finished pork has a fucking incredible sweetness with a hint of heat that, honestly, you don't really even NEED barbecue sauce on. Feel free to toss it on some flat bread, add some sautéed peppers, cheese, and a bit more sriracha and you're good to go. If you do go with barbecue sauce, find one that's not overly sweet. But first, a bit more from the islands:

What the Fuck is Jerk Spice?

Jerking is a method of cooking most closely associated with the island of Jamaica. You see it most commonly done on grills made out of oil drums, cooking chicken or pork with a blend of traditional and extremely hot spices. The two key components of jerk spice are allspice (which Jamaicans call pimento) and scotch bonnet peppers. Allspice was once thought to only grow on the island, and was named by the English who thought it smelled like a combination of many spices, proving there truly is nothing that the English can't fuck up. Today, in America at least, we use a lot of allspice at Christmas, which might be making you think twice about this recipe. Let me allay your fears. Also, don't you EVER question me again. EVER.

1.  Remove your pork roast from the package and place it on your cutting board. Cover it liberally with red pepper, allspice, and sriracha and work it into the meat with your hands... and don't be a pussy. Really get in there.

Flip your meat and do the same on the other side. Be sure to get the sides, top, and bottom of your meat as well.

Once you're nice and seasoned, toss it into your slow cooker. A smaller 3-quart slow cooker works best here. If you've done this right, your hands should look like you just beat a man to death for looking at you wrong in a bar. After you wash away the evidence, you'll want to add your 7Up until it almost covers the pork entirely. This should take about 3/4s of a can. Then, hit it with a splash of orange juice. Set aside your remaining ingredients so we can get drunk. More on that later. Flip the cooker to low.

2. Remove the stem from your fresh pineapple. You can just torque that little bastard off there with your bare hands. Toss your pineapple on a DIFFERENT cutting board. If you cut your pineapple on the same board you used for your pork, I'm going to punch you in the face.

There's really no art to slicing pineapple. Just go at it. We're going to want two slices about this size.

Remove your pineapple from the rind and cut it into strips about the size of steak fries.

Add your pineapple fries to your pork. You should be able to slide them down around it like tent stakes.

3. Now, cover that beast and let it cook on low for 6 hours. Don't fuck with it... just let it work. While you wait, this is an opportune time to get hammered. I've created a cocktail using some of the ingredients from this recipe, called the Pineapple 7Fuck-You-Up cocktail.

About half-way through the cooking process, your pork has shrunk and smells good.

4. After 6 hours in the slow cooker, remove your pork to a large mixing bowl.

Shred it using your fork. You'll need to pull it apart with your fingers to get at the largest chunks. If you're a pussy, you might want to wear gloves, as the pork will be slightly warm. Also, a dress and some sensible shoes couldn't hurt.

Once you're all separated, toss in some red pepper...

and add it all back into your slow cooker. Hit the whole thing with some more sririacha and stir.

Re-cover your slow cooker and let it cook for another hour.

5. After another hour in the slow cooker, strain your pork. Feel free to leave the chunks of pineapple in for a while as you serve, though you'll want to remove them if you're storing any leftovers.

Toast up some buns, toss on your pork, and hit it with your sauce. Eat and enjoy.


  1. The funny thing about being a pussy is, well, its designed to get it in there...
    Fuckin yummy though, I shouldn't look at this shit before bed. DAMN I NEED A COOKIE NOW. Gawd.

  2. Motherfuckistan ~ fuckin classic!
    Can't wait to try this; we have Mardi Gras holidays coming up, that would be a perfect time for it!