Monday, February 13, 2012

Fucking Badass Guide to Useless Kitchen Gadgets (part 1)









In a world with a surplus of idiots, virtually any damn thing you offer for sale, someone is going to buy it. This cornerstone of capitalism is seen no where better than the kitchen gadget industry. There are so many ridiculously moronic kitchen gadgets for sale that it's almost like a performance art piece. No task is too insignificant or simple for some fuckstick to invent a doo-dad to help you with it. Here are four of the most mind numbing.
I'm providing a link to their individual Amazon pages solely for morbid curiosity and to prove that I didn't make this shit up. Obviously, I don't endorse these fucking things or want you to buy them. Also, if you already own any of this shit, please kill yourself.


Norpro 121 Grip EZ Jalapeno Corer
Just look at this fucking thing. The number of times you'll need to core a goddamn jalapeno in your life is likely between "never" and "fucking never". But, say you find yourself making stuffed jalapenos and, unlike the rest of Earth's population, you don't just cut them length-wise. You need a full jalapeno pepper, goddamnit! In that case... a pairing knife and twenty seconds will clear 99% of the seeds and core. In this situation, are you REALLY concerned about missing a seed or two? If you're really that put off by spicy foods, then you probably shouldn't eat stuffed jalapenos, asshole.

 

Jelly Knife
There are, admittedly, a lot of things you might need a specific knife for. Cutting a steak, fileting a fish, peeling an apple, killing a hooker... jelly, however, barely needs it's own fucking JAR let along a dedicated knife. Haven't these dumbasses heard of a butter knife? Or, for you jelly fetishists out there, a spoon? Oh, but it's not just convenient for spreading jelly. One of the selling points is a "u
nique shape [that] reaches under the lip, on the sides and in the corners of containers." If you're that fucking concerned with the microscopic jelly particles left in the jar when you throw it away, do us all a favor and just shatter that fucker between two pieces of bread and have at it. Be sure to chew thirty two times before swallowing.



Chef'n StemGem Strawberry Stem Remover
No one has ever uttered this sentence: "These strawberries are great, but pulling the tops off of them is such a CHORE." Despite that, this fucking thing still exists. The easiest way to tell that a product is a useless piece of shit is to read its list of features. The faster they get to features that aren't actually features, the shittier the product. For example, after ease of use we get:
"Easy-to-spot design makes the tool easy to find in a drawer of other kitchen tools". What the fuck does that even mean? Unless this thing is capable of climbing out of the drawer and into your hand, the fact that it's a thing that you can see is not a feature.


 Norpro Ice Cream Sandwich Maker
This thing just fucking baffles me. At first glance, you might thinks it's intended to make the bread part of an ice cream sandwich, which would actually be handy. However, it's really just a small plastic box that you're supposed to construct an ice cream sandwich IN. You apparently provide the bread yourself, though it has a "built-it sandwich cutter"... by which it looks like they're referring to the sides of the plastic box. I am speechless. It's like someone built this thing without a purpose in mind, then gave it to someone else and said, "Find a way to get idiots to pay money for this little box." and ice cream sandwich maker is all they could come up with. Also, note that this is our second Norpro device. It might be too early to say, but we may have just come across the absolute dumbest company in history.

Part two coming whenever I feel like it.

7 comments:

  1. Man, strawberry stems, such a CHORE. I died. I kinda fuckin want those ice cream sandwiches though...

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  2. You kind of have to admire the gall of the person who invented the ice cream sandwich makers. Somebody was totally like "how can I get people to pay for a small transparent box"- and they were like, "lol, people will eat this up!" To be fair, though, could the 'cutter' in question be the inset edge of the lid?

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  3. An inability to construct simple sentences, communicate on a basic level or go more than a few sentences without inordinate profanity, is usually a sign of a lower level of intelligence. Certainly a lower level of morality, a kind of barbarism, or mental retardation. Amazing to me that people sign up for this nonsense. Oh well, just another sign...

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    1. Go fuck yourself. Is that simple enough for you, or do you need me to diagram it?

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    2. Don't have him diagram it. I've seen him diagram sentences for fun. He'll diagram the SHIT out of it.

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    3. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dffPx4O1h8g/T2-Rb5sxcJI/AAAAAAAABEw/57qVPtD3bWM/s1600/wonka+offend.jpg

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  4. I've always found that people who think profanity is a sign of *anything* are just simple-minded fools. The type who think a blog is an academic publication.

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