Monday, December 13, 2010

5 Common Foods That Fuck You (And Not In A Nice Way)

You are one fat son of a bitch. Face it. Even if you don't admit it, it's true, so stop being a pussy. If you're anything like me, you should be arrested. Also, you have a much easier time not doing things you normally do than motivating yourself to do things you'd rather not do. Diets are great, but you're too busy and poor to eat well all the time. Sometimes you just have to have a Hungry Man dinner and pay for it later, both on the head and in the mirror. It's part of life... cheap food is bad for you.
However, there are certain things you can just avoid that will help you out. These are things you eat often and shouldn't... common foods that make you fat. I'm not talking about foods that are obviously not good for you, like your midnight lard and mayo binges. Even stupid people know those things aren't great for you, so you have to cut back on them. Use some goddamn common sense for fuck's sake. This is a list of 5 things you can and should stop (or seriously cut back on) eating right now.

#1: Trans-fat
You've heard a lot about trans-fat and, chances are, you have no fucking clue what it is. It's pretty simple: trans-fat is artificial fat added to food to make it last longer. Trans-fat is just now being talked about despite it being in our food for 30 years. Why? Because the world is full of dumb assholes who have no problem pumping chemicals into your food and waiting twenty years to actually start looking at what they do.
Trans-fat has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's not like saturated fat, which you actually SHOULD eat in moderation. I assure you, no one is going to come out in ten years and say, "Actually trans-fat is great for you and you should eat it every day!" like they did with eggs, milk, and bacon.
Trans-fats are basically the rapists of the food world. Don't let yourself be raped by trans-fat. Two foods to cut out immediately: margarine spreads and commercial baked goods. Both are loaded with trans-fat, even those that claim to be otherwise beneficial or low-fat. These foods are the date rapists of the food world... they act all nice and then BANG, your raped. To avoid other sources of trans-fat, check out the label... if it contains rapists, by law it must say so.

#2: Gay Little Coffee Drinks
If someone told you they eat a hot fudge sundae every day, you'd thing they were a stupid fatass, wouldn't you? How many times have you heard (or said) "Oh, I can't make it a day without my double mocha half-caf latte super choco-spritzer grande fucking whipped cream cappufrappuchino from Starbucks!" Seriously, fuck Starbucks and all their little specialty coffee friends. You wouldn't believe the kind of fat, sugars, and calories that are packed into some of these drinks. Their bakery isn't safe either... one of those raspberry scones is worse for you than a half-pound cheesy beef and potato burrito for Taco Bell. I shit you not. If you need a jolt of caffeine in the morning, drink a soda, learn to enjoy actual coffee, or snort a line of cocaine off a dead hooker's ass. Just say no to Starbucks. But, speaking of soda...

#3: Soda
This technically falls under the "no shit this is bad for you" category. I only include it because of how easy it is to give up. I'm talking about diet soda, too. Sack up and don't drink it. Opt for water, tea, juice, sports drinks... anything but soda. You can train yourself not to drink soda pretty quickly, and not only will you feel better, you'll sleep better. If you MUST have soda (you fucking pussy) limit it to a couple of cans a week or only on the weekends.

#4: White Bread
Regular, processed white bread has no redeeming nutritional value. There is NOTHING in white bread that could even be mistaken for something that's good for you. This is all due to refined white flour. What nutrients the refining process leaves alive, the bleaching and baking processes murder like a motherfucker. Sure, some white bread claims to be "enriched" (which is actually required by law) but that's like putting a nice cherry on top of a pile of shit and calling it a fancy sundae.
The real problem with white bread is that it royally fucks your metabolism, leading to reduced digestion efficiency and increased fat storage, usually around the stomach. That's right, not only does white bread fuck up the good food that you eat it welcomes the bad food in with drinks and complimentary blow jobs. Fuck white bread. As all alternative... obviously whole wheat bread. It costs the same and you can find a type that you can handle or even enjoy.

#5: Chips
You might think this is another "no shit it's bad for you" entry, but the multitude of low-fat, no-fat, low cal varieties may make you think you're doing the right thing. You're wrong. Also stupid. Even the healthiest of health food chips are bad for you, and god knows what the lab created oils are going to do to your body (remember Olestra?) Your common, normal chips read like a laundry list of shit you shouldn't eat. The real bitch about chips is how many OTHER things you can eat that are better for you. Like french fries. Seriously, at least then you're getting the good potato vitamins and minerals (potassium and magnesium) along with the salt and oil. Or you could eat nuts, popcorn, animal crackers, snack mix, pretzels, granola... the list goes on.

Cutting out these five things might not make the pounds start dropping off of you like dead lice, but it's a good start and an easy addition to anything else you can convince yourself to do to get healthy. You'll also notice that many of these things can be avoided by making more of your own food. There are lots of places online to find great recipes. Here's a good one.


  1. Just fyi, cutting out these foods will make YOUR pounds start dropping- for us women it is MUCH more complicated than just not eating 5 things..

    But thanks for the info. :) Good post!


  2. I don't really much care about transfat and chips... the rest are my enemies.

  3. The picture of chips pretty much made me giggle something awful. Before this post, I wasn't even paying attention to rapists, so thank you. You probably save my life or something.


  4. Totally original! A dude who has cool cooking ideas, me gusta!

    -Erin from 20 sb. (for the record, I referenced the oral sex)

  5. I don't think that is a real picture of B. Spears - she's had too much practice to miss her mouth with anything.

  6. One of the reasons diet soda is bad for you is because you taste sweet, and your brain sends out info to your body to produce insulin. Then you've got all this insulin with no where to go, and it's just not that good for you. The only diet soda I recommend is diet tonic to go with your gin.

    <3 Stephanie

  7. OMG!! I loved this post. I don't curse like a sailor nor like you, but for what ever reason it made the post entertaining.