Chili

Ingredients
Ground beef
Tomato soup (2 cans)
Tomato sauce (smallish can)
Kidney beans
Small white or navy beans
Black beans
Cumin
Chili powder
Onion flakes (optional)
Ground red pepper (optional)
Hot sauce (optional)


At the dawn of time, God came down from heaven to survey his creation. After taking a long, hard look, he said "Looks pretty good. Goddamn, I'm hungry... I sure could go for some chili." As far as God and I are concerned, there are two commandments that all chili must abide by:

I:  Thou shalt include a metric shit-ton of protein
II: Thou shalt cook for a fucking long time

Chili isn't a fancy food. This is why I don't give my chili a fancy name. Most of the time, when people want you to try their grandmother's "One-of-a-Kind Three Alarm Firehouse Monster Chili" what they serve you isn't even chili. It's some sort of fucked up stew. The two chili commandments determine what can be included.

Why is other "Chili" Inferior?
It's simple, really. The people that make them are idiots. I've seen chili recipes that include corn, green beans, carrots, spaghetti noodles... the list goes on. These are inferior ingredients that don't jive with the cooking process, which goes by the technical phrase "slow as fuck". Slow cooking as a technique does NOT lend itself to the preparation of vegetables (they lose their taste, color, and nutritional content) or pasta (they get soggy as a bed sheet on a porn set). On the other hand, slow cooking does wonders with meat, especially low quality "fatty" meat (like hamburger). It's also the best way to cook beans, as it keeps the skin in tact while enriching the inherent flavor. Spice is very important, as it will permeate the proteins over the long cooking process. To hold this all together, we want a nice, thick base... and it gets no thicker than tomato sauce, which, as an added bonus, will pick up much of the spice.

Now that that shit is taken care of, let's make some motherfucking chili.



Preparation
1. Brown your ground beef and season with onion flakes. If there are other mild spices that you like (parsley, oregano, basil) feel free to add them here as well.


2. This recipe makes exactly three quarts of chili. This can be a lot to handle for a three quart slow cooker. Since that's all I have, I mix everything separately and then insert into the cooker. A pitcher works well here. Drain and wash your beans separately and dump them in.


Add both cans of tomato soup and the tomato sauce. Drain your ground beef and add that in too.


Mix well. Ensure you have even distribution of beans and meat, as large masses won't take the heat well.


Spice liberally with chili powder, red pepper, cumin, and a bit of hot sauce to taste. This is more art that science, though go easy with the cumin. A tablespoon or so is plenty. That shit is powerful, as if the dirty ass smell didn't tip you off. I use the hot sauce (which is made with peppers) instead of actual peppers as it holds up better to the long cooking process. I also don't much care for the texture of peppers... I don't like anything detracting from the thick and meaty.


3. If you're mixing separately, pour into your slow cooker.


Set to cook on the low setting.


Cover. Now, this part is important: COOK FOR AT LEAST SEVEN HOURS. I'm not kidding. Seven fucking hours. No less than that. You don't have to watch it, or stir it, or anything. If you get bored, go jerk off a few times to take your mind off of it. Just don't fuck with the chili.


For you small slow cooker owners, now is a good time to construct what I like to call "the diaper". Use some tin foil and a bit of tape to line the outside of your slow cooker, and use the back of a butter knife or a sawed off toothpick to push the foil between the rim of the basin and the cooker. Why?


This is why. Your chili will expand slightly and bubble up over the lid. Don't flip out... just leave it alone. The diaper will keep the chili residue from getting between the basin and the cooker and making a blackened mess.


After about four hours, it looks something like this.


Once you've reached that seven hour mark, the chili has expanded quite a bit. This is a good thing.


Give it a quick stir and you're ready to go.


The way you choose to serve your chili is up to you. I enjoy a bit of cheese on top, usually pepper jack but I decided on a Colby/Monterey Jack blend this go around. I have one word of caution: don't eat all three quarts of chili in one sitting. I'm not kidding... this shit is so good you'd sell your mom into slavery for it.